Wad of Chaw

Ain't never seen the likes of Barry Paul

That boy from Hot Springs, Arkansas

Could hold a wad inside his jaw

'Twiced the size of Tatum's maw

He don't spit just lets it fall

Right down his chin and pants an' all

Never did see 'em without his chaw

Until the preacher got him thinkin'

So he gave up chewin'. . . but started drinkin'

CUSSER NO MORE!

My brother Ralphy Russer

Was quite the little cusser
Whether home or school or bus or
With his sister, aunts, or us, or. . .

He knew every bad word known to man

Like @#% or /&%#@ or *%#@ or *%&$

He even said +*%* to Uncle Sam

And *%^$ and *%&$ to Martha Ann

But now he doesn't cuss a bit

His rump is sore can't even sit

My Paw would have no more of it

What? Paw wants to see me, "OH $#}+!"

The Outlaw Spit McGraw

No one sat next to Spit McGraw.
Everyone knew he was a wanted outlaw.
Meanest man in Arkansas.
Some folks said he didn't love his maw.
He had arms of steel, was really tall.
Made Paul Bunyon look mighty small.
Could look at a glacier an' make it thaw.
Wrestled a bear and ate its claw.
Beat up a lion chewed off its paw.
Broke in an outhouse, graffiti'd the stall.

One thing about him, his one little flaw,

One thing 'bout Spit that made us all
Hold back our snickers and all our hee-haws. . .

Ol' Spit drank whiskey through a straw!

Sidesaddle Sally

Sidesaddle Sally grew up in Cali
Near the Great Valley of Yosemite.
Before she was grown her parents left home,
They sailed off to Rome and left Sally to be.

She climbed all the mounts and swam the great founts,
Used up every ounce of her young energy.
Decided a horse was the answer of course,
Caught one by force and rode it a week.

By then it was broke, then Sally she spoke
To the horse she called Oak, from Yosemite.
"Yore the best horse around, I'm glad you I found,
Let's ride into town and see what we see."

They trotted and clamped into old Angel's Camp,
Filled with gruff mining tramps, outside the valley.
The crowds they did form; this horse was abnorm,
Her name was thus formed - "Sidesaddle Sally!"

The Yeller Pianer

I might be a lousy shot, an' I cain't ride no horse,
Ain't never downed a shot of whiskey, but one thang is for shore.
Ever night 'bout ten O'clock I venture to Buck's Saloon
Sit right down at the yeller pianer and belt out a real nice tune.

All the gals an' all the boys will hoot and holler an' cuss,
An' look at me an' all will say, "Yore a better cowboy than us!"
I'll sang, "I ain't scared of this pianer but this pianer's scared o' me,
It used to be black till I sat down, now it's yeller as can be!"

An everyone from here to Texas'll say I'm the best around,

No one will mess with me for shore unless one little secret is found.

One small thang that no one knows from here to the Mexican border,

This yeller pianer sounds real nice, but only if you deposit a quarter.

Had a Date with a Suckerfish

I had a date with a suckerfish
It went fairly well - until
I gave her a kiss when I dropped her off,
And I'm standing on her doorstep still!

Expired Cowboy

Them buzzards been circlin' fer days,
Sure wish they'd be on their way.
Been lyin' here gazin' up,
Just wonderin' who's their sup?
Tried tossin' up some rocks,

But my arms they must be locked.

Tried screamin' and a yellin',

But my voice it must be failin'.

Tried to just git up and scoot,

But my legs ain't worth a toot.

My toes are numb, my ears don't work,

My mouth is dry but nothin' hurts.

So why are these buzzards circlin' my head?

Oh wait just a sec, that's right - I'm dead!

Professor Lou Answers Cindy Sue

Cindy Sue passed Professor Lou
And said, "May I ask a question of you?"
He stopped and whimpered and turned quite blue,
Looked down and snorted, "OH NOT YOU TOO!?!
Then Professor Lou began to fume -
"I just don't know I'm quite confused,

Is the earth 10 billion or fairly new?

Did we evolve from a bubbling stew?

Is there a God, I wish I knew?

And what will happen at the last?
Will we evaporate or turn to gas?

Or Jesus come and heal the mass?

I really don't know, but go on ask!"


Then Cindy Sue said to Professor Lou,
"All that sounds just fine and dandy,
But I really just wanted a piece of candy."

Climbing Trees

Oh my oh me I think I see

That crazy kid Brody McGee.

Way up high up in that tree,

That tall Magnolia of Ms. Bodene's.

Just like a monkey except one thing,

He's not as smart or as pretty,

But he doth climb quite routinely

Up birches, pines, and Christmas trees.

Up oaks, redwoods, and concrete knees,

And vats of aged giant blue cheese

And dragon wings and real tall swings

And thrones of queens and other things.

So if you see him climbing round,

Please tell that boy to come back down.