Jibberish

Winkity pinkity wallowy spoo

I haven't slept since '82

Oh yes my minds a fozzy woo

With kangaroos and owls who?

Sloopty doopty woopty woo

Got bags on my eyelids filled with goo

Or gunk or trunks or skunks no pew

That would stink a bit and moo

The cow still jumps upon the moon

Then lands right here right next to you

And me I'm fine that's not quite true

A little sleepy sloppy sloo

Flickly spickly wickly stoo

Just close my eyes for a sec or two

Or three or four or five honk shooooooooooo

Toothpaste Monster

In the eve when all is hushed
And eyelids tightly shut
A creature tips into the room
Where children's teeth are brushed

He finds the toothpaste clean and stored
Just the way Mom asked
Unscrews the top and squeezes tight
Then eerily he laughs

He rubs the paste all round the sink
And smears it on the door
Then puts some globs on moms nice towels
And drops some on the floor

Then he waits that sneaky devil
He waits inside the hamper
He waits till morn for you and me
He waits to hear feet scamper

Then his ears perk up a bit
The verdict Mom will state
She'll falsely blame both you and me
For the mess of the toothpaste

The Giver

At the mall in St. Mary
Bogart sat on Santa's knee.
Asked him for a real monkey,
But Santa said, "Well, let me see. . . "

"I weighed your good and bad this year
And I believe, no I'm quite clear
That on my list that I've got here
Your name does not on it appear."

So Bogart asked, "What can I do?"
"Comb your beard or shine your shoes,
Wash your sleigh, I'll do that too,
Or cook for you some turtle stew."

"Yes, you may do those things for me
But that's not quite enough you see,
The scales still tilt quite heavily,
So more is needed it does seem."

Bogart stood for hours in line.
It seemed he'd wasted all his time.
He left the mall, yes far behind
Away from windows, stores that shined.

And sitting there right on the ground
Outside the hustling bustling town
Was a bearded man his skin was browned,
He said, "I'm Jesus and it's you I've found."

He said, "I'll give you all I've got,
Watch over you both day and night,
Turn your blackness into white."
But Bogart said, "That can't be right."

"There's just too much for me to do
To earn Your gifts your presence too."
"I think I'll go I'm feeling blue
And in my guilt I will just rue."

Then Jesus said, "You cannot earn
My love and gifts that you so yearn.:
"It's you I choose no need to run."
"Let's live this life, let's have some fun."

Then Jesus took him by the hand;
They swam the ocean, hiked the land.
Bogart played in His rock band
And through the night the music jammed.

Mobs of folks began to crowd
The addicts, prostitutes, the rowdy
Gathered there around and loudly
Danced and sang and then they bowed.

And silence swept across the horde.
A cripple came then many more,
The homeless, hungry, and the poor
From many countries cross the world.

Soon the music began again,
The stars came out, the city dimmed.
Bogart looked around and grinned
He felt completed, full of Him.
That man so strange, Who was condemned
Who gave His life for all of them.

Naughty or Nice?

SSSSSHHHH!
Don't tell a soul.
It's my letter to Santa

Up at the North Pole.

He thinks I've been good;

That's not quite the truth.

But I'm asking for lots,

Do you think that's uncouth?

I'm better than Tommy;

He sat on his brother.

Much better than Alice,

She barked at her mother.

Suzy doesn't deserve much;

She broke line at school.

Mason did much worse;

He said spitting's cool.

So compared to that tax collector

I think I've done swell.

Just don't compare me to Jesus,

Cause I'll deserve. . . .well, you know.

Christmas Aliens

Up Up Up Up Up And Away

Much higher than ol' St. Nick's sleigh!

There are some creatures watching us

And watching every single day.

Their eyes are yellow like a bus.

They have four arms eight elbows plus

Two legs three chins and one large ear
And come from planet Gergelgus.

But once a year they come quite near.

They can be seen when nights are clear.

Their interest is our old St. Nick,

The one that brings us Christmas cheer.

And one day they may grab him quick
Before the second hand goes tick.
That sure will make the kids feel sick.
That sure will make the kids feel sick.

Snow Goggles

Bought some snow goggles at the store

Thought I'd put 'em on and see rain no more

That I'd look at my Paw and see a snowman

Make Maw a snow angel the same for Aunt Jan

Thought these green hills would turn to ski slopes

But did anything happen - why nope!

No flakes on my jacket and none on my slacks

Guess I'll take these snow goggles back

A Christmas Disaster

Miggy, Twiggy, and Figgy the elves
Loaded Santa's sleigh all by themselves
Miggy the toys and Twiggy the dolls
Figgy put snacks in and maps for old Clause
But this year they started to load up too late
Miggy at seven and Twiggy past eight
Figgy was missing until the last minute
White Christmas was on it's been years since he's seen it
Santa got on the radio
And told everyone it was time to go
Miggy and Twiggy and Figgy they gasped
And threw all the bags in a little too fast
Santa was off on that Christmas Eve night
Peeked in his bags and was shocked at the sight
Miggy and Twiggy and Figgy in haste
Had grabbed Santa's trash bags containing his waste
Now there was no time, no time to turn back
Santa had nothing except for his trash
He thought just a second and made up his mind
The kids they'll be thankful, they won't really mind

So at his first stop he pulled out a shoe

Chewed up by his puppy named Jinglejangoo

Then at his next stop a half eaten pear

Jack from Jackson got Santa's trimmed hair

A napkin for Nellie all stained with ketchup

A broken light bulb and a Styrofoam cup

Timmy got tuna cans and Santa's old receipts

Jimmy got an empty canister for athlete's feet

Empty Dr. Pepper cans was what he gave young Michael
One would think old Santa Clause was green and would recycle
Candied wrappers, newspapers, toenails clipped just last night
Molded garlic bread and even half a loaf of white

Used band aids, old magazines, Santa gave it all

No toys this year or ipods, computers or basketballs

Santa made it through the night and gave the last child lint

But Miggy, Twiggy, and Figgy the elves have not been heard from since

Pops Noel

Christmas time has come and gone

And so has Pops Noel

Thought I'd head up to the pole

And talk to him a spell

Ask him what he does

When his Christmas givings done

Ask him what he does
The eve of January One

So I knocked upon his door
And woe was I surprised
When the door opened up
I could not believe my eyes

Ol' Santa was wearing nothing

'Cept some lime green underpants

Music blasting party balls

I was shocked to see him dance

Simply turned right back around
And headed the other way
Think I'll keep this to myself
For at least another day

Santa's First Reindeer

Twas a long time ago
When Santa first started
His sleigh not quite built
His course not yet charted

He had a lone reindeer
Whose name was Lored
With one weighty antler
On the side of his head

All else was quite normal
That first Christmas Eve
Lored and ol' Santa
Preparing to leave

Santa hopped on Lored

Sat right on his back

That chubby old man

His heavy red sack

Then up in the air

They arose with the presents

Circling for hours

Like tail-spinning pheasants

Lored's weighty antler

Kept turning them round

He could not get straight
Ol' Santa just frowned

St. Nick got quite dizzy
Had lost all his cheer
And said home now Lored
We'll wait till next year

Lored was then banished
To the town of Breelunter
Where he became the trophy
Of a one-legged hunter

The Christmas Tree Eater

The Christmas tree eater is coming tonight

He's coming to your house and mine

He's not too picky what type tree

Whether Douglas Fir, Cedar, or Pine

He slithers underneath the doors

Around the couches and chairs
And swallows the Christmas trees down whole

Without a single care

Lights, ornaments, and popcorn strands

He doesn't mind a bit

Bells, candy canes, pictures, and stars

And even a candle lit

So beware little kiddies and make sure tonight

That if you play Hide-n' Go Seek

You may hide anywhere in the house

But don't dare go hide in the tree

Ring-A-Ling-A-Ling

I saw Santa at a store

Ringing bells outside the door

Far from home he's in Nantucket

Standing by a small red bucket

As people passed they dropped their money
And I was thinking this seems funny
No one sat upon his lap
Or gave him wish lists as they passed

I got scared for Santa Clause

My thoughts were rushing I had to pause

He lost his sleigh or something worse

Laid off from his job or foreclosure

And now he's panhandling on the road

Begging from those whom gifts he's bestowed

My heart was aching my eyes dripping drops

Will his annual giving now stop?

And so I pondered that small red can

Gripped my nickels. . . . . turned and ran!

Christmas with the In-Laws

I might be 32 or more
But at Christmas age is out the door
For no one likes to wait for gifts
But at the in-laws they take shifts

One present picked and passed around
Until the rightful owner's found
Then all the aunts and uncles peer
The prize is opened first this year
And then the second gift is passed
Just as slowly never fast
As I pretend to wait patiently
My mind is screaming, "PASS ONE TO ME!"
But one hour passes and then another
That one's Lynn's the next her brother's
The snacks are gone and then the drinks
It's been four hours this just stinks
The babies have napped the old-folks dozed
But I'm still waiting it's gotta be close
Finally my name read from a box
I open it up. . . it's a pair of socks!

Bobby Joe Thisslerow had Hair Made out of Mistletoe

Bobby Joe hated snow

Candy canes and Rodolph's nose

Presents wrapped with curly bows

What he hated mostly though

His hair was made of mistletoe

He never could escape the kisses

From Granny-maws to little misses

His penny throws and birthday wishes

Were for hair with normal frizzes

His face was chapped from all the pecks
On his ears and nose and neck
To him his life seemed such a wreck
A boy of eight and not too quick

And Christmas time was worst of all

From all the parties and festive balls

He'd hide in closets and race down halls

Duck under tables or in bathroom stalls

But never could he quite escape
Whether Betty Lou or Marsha Kate
The kisses came early and late
This was Bobby Joe's cursed fate

The Worst Christmas Carolers in all of Algere

Helga, Lloyd, and Herman Babeer
Were the worst Christmas carolers in all of Algere
They loved to sing so year after year
They found just one person who'd give them her ear

It was Granny Claudine so sweet and sincere
All through their carols she'd smile with cheer
But one thing not known by the trio Babeers
Granny Claudine was deaf in both ears

Santa's Elf?

If you see someone with eyes of blue

Bearded face green curly shoes

Building planes and kangaroos

For all the boys and some girls too

Short and plump with strip-ed hues

Pointy ears yes that's a clue

Eating candy and sugared stew

You may say to yourself,

"That's Santa's Elf!"

But it's not

It's my Uncle Alf. . .

red

Maw's Leg Stockings

Maw Jane was very plain
She wore a white moo-moo
She also wore a bonnet
And old tattered scuffed-up shoes

Her skin was pale from head to toe

Her hair up in a bun

The only bit of color

Was a red neck from the sun

Maw Jane got no attention

Until that Christmas morn

She tripped her skirts flew o're her head

Was like lookin' at Amish porn

No words can describe the looks
Nothing's ever been so shocking
Maw Jane had kept a secret
She wore pink and green striped stockings

Egg Nog

Me and Ricky Brewster Bogg
Loved to drink that ol' Egg Nog
Could hardly wait throughout the year

Like being 20 and lovin' beer

It can't be bought until the season

But I think any days good reason

To drink the merry mountain dew

Thick as Ma's Burboodle Stew

Started drinkin' at Halloween

The very first carton that we'd seen
Two months later on December Eight
Drunk 92 cartons plus one out of date
Must be a record the cartons between us
Hoping to get in the big book of Guinness
But one thing bout it that's certainly true

If I drink one more drop of Egg Nog. . . I'm gonna spew!

Martha May Pettigrew Marilyn Spate

Please!  Oh please!  I just can't wait!
Said Martha May Pettigrew Marilyn Spate
Just one little present the smallest I see
Just one little gift wrapped under the tree
I won't ask again no peep you will hear
Until Christmas morn I've waited all year
I'll wash all the dishes I'll fold all the clothes
I'll change baby's diaper I'll wipe Johnny's nose

I'll clean my room daily until I am old

Take out all the garbage I'll scrub all the mold

Sweep both the kitchen and bathroom five times

I'll mop all the hardwoods until they all shine

Take Spot for a walk three times everyday

When baby gets fussy I'll take him to play

I'll pick up the toys I'll vacuum and dust

I'll eat all my dinner including bread crust

I'll clean out the fridge your pillows I'll fluff

I'll shovel the snow the car I will buff

I'll eat all the turnips you put on my plate

And then said Martha May Pettigrew Marilyn Spate

On second thought, I think I can wait.

Santa's Little Secret

Big white beard

And big white hair

Rosy cheeks

Round as a bear

Bright red coat

Red pants he's rockin'

Boots of black

Hat on his noggin

But one small secret NO ONE KNOWS!

Santa Clause has sixteen toes

SANTA ON THE BANJO AND JESUS ON THE FIDDLE

Santa on the banjo

And Jesus on the fiddle

Rockin Christmas bluegrass

Folks are dancin in the middle

The jiggly man in red
Big white hair and actin merry
Beard a flowin glasses frosty

Fingers rollin looks like Jerry

Jesus spinnin and a grinnin
He's a winnin lots of fans

Hands are raisin and a praisin

Jesus groovin sure can dance

Stage lights blastin lots of colors
Toes are tappin on the stage
Jesus looks over at Santa
Both are laughin as they play

Streets are packed and people hangin

From the windows up above

Folks are swingin round together

All are joyful filled with love

Jesus takes the mic and jams

Vocals ringin in the new

This party will keep rockin

Into Christmas and right through

Where'd Granny Go?

I asked Maw where Granny went,
She said, "She'd done retired."
"She's been outta work fer years," I said.
"And hadn't she been fired?"
"You don't hear me right" maw said,
"Ol' Granny's kicked the can."
"You mean the one that Paw spits In?"
"No wonder the carpet's tanned!"
She said, "Ol' Granny's restin' now."
I said, "Go wake her up!"
"My stomach's growlin' mighty loud,
She needs to fix my sup!"
Maw said, "No Granny's left us now,
God's fiery chariots have come."
I said, "I bet her fanny's hot,
We'll have to ice her bum."
Maw said, "She won't be comin' back,
She's gone to be with her LORD."
"He'd better have a TV!
Cause Wheel of Fortune's at 4!"

I don't think my maw really knows the whereabouts of Granny
But I sure know where she ain't-
And that's in Alabamy!

Mr. MAC-Nair and his Back Hair!

Mr. Mac-Nair had some back hair
That went from his waist to his shoulders

He had a wife of fourteen years

And she loved for him to hold her

She said he keeps her nice and warm

No matter the season of year
With a coat of natural down
Always soft and warm and near

It grew so long and round his belly
He no longer wore a shirt
It grew even longer year after year
And it much resembled a skirt

Soon his back hair was long enough
For both he and his wife to go bare
They always stayed together
As they walked from here to there

They had one kid and then another
It became a family affair
They were the closest family about
And all because of back hair

No one's seen the Mac-Nairs
In five or six years or so
But on occasion a mass of hair
Rolls by when the wind does blow

Slappy Jack

Slappy Jack that danged ol' timer
Bought hisself a weimaraner
Dog could bark a swell one-liner
Swooned my gal. . . . .

Now they're in Caroliner

No Time

Got no time no time at all
No time to think or drink or call
My mother, brother, or Auntie May
I've got no time no time today

No time not now
Can't fish or wish or even plow
Can barely breath on this here day
Don't even think to sit or play

No I can't help you with your dishes
I've got to go I only wish that
I had more time some time to talk
But I've got none can't even walk

Forget the party, dinner, and date
I've got no time you'll have to wait
Help with the kids no not right now
No time to mow or feed the cow

Please just know that I'm real busy
Before you get into a fizzy
I'd like to help but there's no way
My platter's full and I am late

I've got to go time's moving through
Just can't recall what I'm supposed to do

It's Cold Outside

It's cold outside

Much colder than Tuesday

It's colder than Wednesday

Wouldn't you say?

It's colder than Thursday

The day that it snowed

Colder than Friday

That's it I'm sold!

It's colder than Saturday or Sunday or France

Oh wait just a sec - - - I forgot my pants!

Googly Eyes

Yes, I was blessed with googly eyes

But I can't look where I please

I was blessed with googly eyes
And they hang down to my knees

I turn to the right
And they swing way around
I try and look up
But I always look down
Don't ask me to look you straight in the eyes
Unless your lying on the ground

I only see birds when they're pecking for worms
And I only see clouds through reflections
If I could change one thing bout myself
I think I'd make just one correction
My feet seem just a bit too big
And I want to make good first impressions

The In-Laws

Thanksgiving again it's always the same
We go to the in-laws there's thousands of names
Family's so big just can't quite remember
Everyones' name seen once in November

There's David and Angela and maybe a Sue
I think there's a Mark and a Mac or two
Reid and Mimi and Trisha and Rob
Jeff and Jack but no one named Bob

There's Jan and Tommy, Lynn and Josh
So many names to remember "Oh Gosh!"
Lynnlee and Alan and Pam and a Meg
It hurts in my brain way down to my leg

There's Casie and Molly and Chad and a Ben?
Oh just forget it! I'll skip Thanksgiving again.

WAWMIW (what a weird morning it was)

Woke up this morning and something was weird
Scratched my nose but it was my ear
Screamed out loud but then was shocked
It seemed my voice came from my sock
Jumped out of bed so I could run
But my feet were now attached to my buns
Slapped myself in the face to wake
But slapped my belly and now it ached
Opened my eyes to answer some questions
But looked right at my large intestines
Toes on my face and teeth on my hips
Tongue where my thumb should be eyelids on lips
Heart on the outside right next to my lap
Hair must be inside still searching for that
Not much to do with your knees on your head
So I just went right back to bed

Fishwishin'

Sometimes I wish I was a fish
But then I remember how some fish become the main dish
And then I no longer wish to be a fish

The Big Z

I tried to pay attention in class today
But a rather large Z dropped on my head and wouldn't go away

Halloweenies

I like tatered chips I do
And I like pork and beanies
But there ain't nothing quite so good
As those scrumptious halloweenies
Only found but once a year on October thirty one
They quietly come out of hiding after the setting of the sun
But one thing you should know right now before you roast a few
If you don't chomp them down real quick
Then they will chomp on you

Fliggle Flaggle Flola

Fliggle Flaggle Flolas
Just drank 12 Coca Colas
Squiggle Squaggle Squelch
You should have heard me belch

Thoughts about Death

If I could choose a way to die
It wouldn't be drowning
Or burning - that sounds really bad
I don't think I would want my head chopped off either
Nor do I want to get shot with a cannon or bitten by a cobra or eaten by an elephant

I'll have to think about it a little more - maybe forever

Future Self

Saw myself in the future yesterday
Didn't know what to say
So I asked myself what I would want to be asked if it was me instead of myself asking the question -

I think I would just ask him what he would say

Drat Voice

Drat voice won't let me be
Like a nagging skeeter or fastidious flea

"STOP TALKING TO ME!"

I'm Trying to write can't you see

My Pants

My pants are too big
Keep on falling to my toes
Maybe I'll just walk on my hands
And keep them down around my nose

Harvey the Dragon

Harvey the dragon despised his birthdays
His wishes never came true
Year after year it was exactly the same
His friends would sing "Happy Birthday to You!"
When time to blow out the candles came
Harvey would make his wish
And blow as hard as his lungs would allow
And burn both the cake and the dish

Troll Booth

Pay the toll or troll then go but neither is cheap
We need a helicopter, a boat, or maybe a Jeep
To get around this ol' bridge I haven't a hunch
We'll either lose our wallet - or be lunch

A Poem

If I were to write a poem for you I'd make it very long -
But if you think this poem's for you then you are very wrong

ROONERSPISMS

Rindercella farried a mella
And Binkertell dever nid
Beeping Sleauty sneemed a bit sooty
While Crichabod Ane lopped his drid
So fether your whand of Binkertell or think Crichabod Ane's a scit bary
Thot one of nem knew everly happiler after except the proo tincesses mat tharied

Safari Jacky

Safari Jacky is a little wacky and at times a bit confused
She travels east and she travels west and all in green elf shoes
She carries no weapons only a spoon which hangs upon her belt
She used to carry a bottle of bubbles she blew but then they spilled
Safari Jacky wears a top hat with a squirrel and bird underneath
She also carries a large toothbrush with one swipe can brush all her teeth
She loves to sing and clap her hands and she sleeps with a large lock of hair

So if you see her exploring near you . . . Be careful and please don't stare

POLI-TICKS

No parasites can make you sick

Like the dreaded POLI-TICKS

They'll bite your soul and suck your brain

And hypnotize your Auntie Jane

They're worse than leeches, fleas, or skeeters

Your too calm - best get the jeeters

Hide right now don't walk about

The POLI-TICKS are comin' out!

Rock's Tar

I asked my friend what he shall be
He said a rich rock's tar

But whether rich or poor the rock

That sounds a bit sub par

Double E's

My birthday's in a week or so and I'll be 33
Hold that up to a mirror though and then it's double E's
If we are in the bathroom soon and my age you ask of me
I'll hold some double E's right up and you'll see I'm 33

Momma Said

Momma said there's no such thing
as aliens or boogie men
No leprechauns, ghouls, or gnomes
no unicorns or big gargoyles
I'm not to believe in anything
like werewolves, satyrs, or fairy beings
There's never been fiery dragons
or hobbits like one Bilbo Baggins
No sirens, pixies, or Santa Clause
no don't believe in him at all
The Loch Ness monster is just a lie
just like that Pegasus in the sky
But Mommas gone no more to toil
for she was eaten by a troll