MUG SHOT

"Turn to the right!"
Bat the eyes.
"Turn to the left!"

A slight smile.

"Look forward!"

Give a wink.

Pics gotta have some style.

Lost my license years ago.

Passport taken away.

Credit cards don't have no pictures,

They're not mine anyway.

So I got my mug shot taken,

Maw needed a fresh shot of me.

Said the only time she saw me,

Was on "Most Wanted" on TV.

So I smiled for my new picture,

And had it sent her way,

I'm sure she'll put it on the fridge

And look at it each day.

It's all she's got for 7 years,

That's when my sentence is through;

Then I'll get a new one taken,

And send her that one too.

Christmas Hangover

12 weeks of Christmas, now it's over,
What's a man to do?
No more garland, malls with Santa,
Gifts or Cindy Lou.
I miss Bing Crosby on the radio.
I miss hearing Elvis too.
He had a Blue Christmas every year,
Cause he had it without you.
Well now I'm blue in late December;
The past 12 weeks just flew.
What will I do till next October?
I haven't got a clue.
Maybe sleep or bonk my head,
Or sit in front of the tube,
And watch the Grinch 10,000 times
And eat leftover stew.
So Merry Christmas one last time
To you, and you, and you;
I'll be in my room till next October
With the Christmas hangover blues.

High School Drum Line

Last Friday night we had a game,
Everyone in town all came.
To see the Eagles of Dawsonville
Play the Bulldogs of Piney Mill.
It was high school football at its best;
The players spit and bumped their chests,
And held their helmets to the sky,

Glory days under the lights.

At halftime though when snacks were bought,
And thrown t-shirts from cheerleaders caught,
Kisses delivered under the bleachers,
No one left sitting but parents and teachers,
The band came out and marched in lines,
Played their flutes and dinged their chimes.
An awkward crew of 12 young gents
With shaggy hair and saggy pants,
Marched to the front, stood side by side,
Held their drumsticks to the sky,
And beat their snares and clanged their cymbals,
Pounded bass drums, all were nimble.
Gave their all, sweat dripping down,
12 drummers drumming what a sound!

Eleven Pipers Piping

Grandpa Joe liked his pipe,
Smoked 'bout every other night,
Plus the nights laid in between,
More smoke than any fireman's seen.
One Friday all his pals came by,
Oldest crew south of the sky,
Most would soon be checked in heaven,
Plus Grandpa there were eleven.
Lit their pipes and rocked their chairs,
Drank their shine and growled like bears,
Cussed an' hollered an' kept on smokin',
Rambled stories an' all were jokin'.
When the smoke lifted ten were gone,
Grandpa Joe just piped alone.

10 Lords a Leaping

Queen Vashti got a Christmas cake
       and asked, "What's it made of?"
"Coconuts or strawberries, marshmallows or tomatoes?"
But then popped out 10 Lords a leaping,
      one in every piece!
She chased them down and ate all 10
      and now she's quite obese!

Christmas Parade

At the Christmas parade in the town of Holly Pond,
The only thing I really need is one small magic wand,
To clear a path in front of me like Moses and the sea,
And have a perfect view of things that slowly pass by me.
The boys are cheering, the men are hooting, and I can't see a thing,
But rears, and backs, and pockets, and dirty ol' blue jeans.
No one will scoot or slide or share the sidewalk right up front,
I'm in the back with strollers and bags, I feel just like a runt.
From all the yells and all the hoots I know who's now advancing;
It's the buxom, jiggly, scantily dressed nine ladies dancing.
The wives are poking all the men and covering up their eyes;
The young 'ens pupils are dilated, their innocence compromised.
I feel like Zacchaeus without a tree with Jesus walking past,
And all I see is Granny's rumpus, I think she may have gas.
Don't want no teeth or fancy boots or toys nor a football,
All I want this year for Christmas is to grow 'bout six feet tall.

8 Maids a Milking

Wobbly knees and sweaty hands and
Swollen tongue, inflated glands and
Rapid heartbeat, taste buds bland
And world is spinning might crash land.

Eight maids a milking that one cow -
WOW! Not much room for that pow wow;
I almost fell off of my plow;
MEOW! MEOW! This should not be allowed!

OH POO! MY FACE IS TURNING BLUE!
CAN'T BREATH! CAN'T THINK - MY MIND IS GOO!
Must take a swig of Stew's home brew.
And smile and wave and pass on through.

But lo, they turned to wave, the burn,
My head's on fire, my chutter's burned
Disintegrating. . .where's an urn?
To place me in no more to yearn.

Eight maids a milking that one heifer,
A memory stored it's now a lifer.
Would love to make just one my wife or,
Two, or three, or four, or five.

Seven Swans a Swimming

Party's over, going home,

Prop up my feet, relax.

Turn on the tube,

Turn off the phone,

And pour some

Apple Jack's.

And then I'll draw

A bath with bubbles,

Make it piping hot!

Might even shave

Off my stubble -

Today it's grown a lot.

But wait, my plans

Are ruined now,

My tub already filled.

Seven swans a swimming

In my bath,

I think I'm ill.

With bows around

Their necks,

And droppings splattered

On the floor,

Singing loud or honking -

Can't really say for sure.

A note upon my door

Says, "Merry Christmas

My true love!"

But what you may not know,

You lost me at

Two turtledoves!

Six Geese's Layin'

I know you know I like the eggs,
Both scrambled, poached, an' fried.
An' last December I ate so many
I very nearly died.
I like 'em runny, crispy, white,
yellow, browned, an' boiled,
But this here gift you gave to me
Has really got me spoiled.
Six geese a layin' all day long,
I just foller 'em 'round,
With my fork an' with some salt,
An' with a sausage pound.
You've won my heart, my stomach too,
Let's tie the knot together.
A gift like this means the world to me;

Let's be yolked forever.

Melancholy Mormon

Mistakes are made that is no doubt,
But a wife I couldn't live without.
One golden ring then I was wed;

One lovely wife lay in my bed.

If one be good, shan't two be grand?

A second wife then held my hand.

Why not more, don't you agree?

If two be good, then how 'bout three?

Our life was full, but I got bored,

So next came matrimony four.

I must confess I should have ceased.

My house no longer held the peace.

But then I saw a lovely maid

My other wives stood in her shade.

Stop?  No sir, I've but one life.

I made that maiden my fifth wife.

Five golden rings, five wedded hands.

Five wives for this one Mormon man.

Oh Solomon, David, Jacob too,

Why didn't I listen to the three of you?

And take one wife and never more,

But no, I added another four.

Do they cook?  No.  Do they clean?

No, they just argue, shop, and scream.

My money's gone; I just can't cope.

What's on t.v.?  That's right, soaps.

No steak.  Just salads and hot tea.

They make me walk outside to pee.

They're on the phone, computer too.

Buying dresses and fancy shoes.

Pinterest, facebook, etsy, blogs,

Lace and flowers, pumps and clogs.

Oh, the horror, ouch the sting!

Why'd I buy five golden rings?!?

Four Callin' Birds

Midnight, breakfast time, supper, and lunch.
I know who's callin' - it's more than a hunch.
If they were here their toes I'd crunch.
Or maybe give their beaks a punch.

It's Christmas Eve - who has the nerves?
To phone besides those calling birds?

All four the same, they know no bounds
They called my cousin and then his hounds.
They'll call from home; they'll call from town.
They'll call a king; they'll call a clown.

Next year for Christmas please refrain.
From gifts that drive a man insane.

French Hens?

I know what you're gettin' me -
I heard!

No grill or ammo -

But birds!

It's absurd.

Don't have the words.

I'd even settle

For a fake rubber turd.

French hens?

Why not American?

Or even Canadian?

An eagle or hawk

Or falcon, a peregrine.

A gas card for my truck maybe.

It takes 100 gallons

To get down the street.

Some camo sheets,

Some skeet,

Boots for my feet.

Bug spray with DEET.
Green paint for my skin.
Razor for my chin.
But why the heck
Would you buy me French hens?

Guess I could shoot 'em.

Second Day of Christmas.

Holly berries, egg nogged brains,
Mistletoes on candied canes,
Santa sledding Christmas Lane

With snow drops in his beard.

Merry, jolly, happy times,

Elves are drinking from their steins,

Cheeks of Mrs. Clause sure do shine,

Jack Frost will soon be here.

Christmas closer every hour,

Jovey singing in the shower,

Snow forts, bunkers, and snow towers,

This special time of year.

Striped red socks and thoughts of green,

Naughty list with Charlie Sheen,

Joyful smiles like Mr. Bean,

And antlers on reindeer.

All makes sense this happy season,

No questions now just thoughts of reason,

Naked cowboy is now freezin',

Though one thing is unclear.

I know you runneth over love,

You hug and kiss, you do not shove,

How 'bout a hat or even gloves?

What the H-E-DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS?  TWO TURTLEDOVES?!?

First Day O' Christmas

Yes, it's that time again, been waitin' a year;
Hadn't done that much, just sat on my rear.
Could have read a book, or visited friends.
Could have learned the banjo, or cleaned up the den.
The yard needs a rakin', the kitchen cleaned,
My room's a bit messy, should wash up my jeans.
But all I could think about was gettin' a prize,
Just give me a present, I'll shut my eyes
And hold out my hands, and count up to ten.
Slowly unwrap it, you'll notice my grin.

It's the first day of Christmas? Look under the tree?
That beautiful present and it's all just for me?
It looks mighty big, oh what can it be?
I'll open it now, and then we will see.
I'm ripping it open, it looks like a pear tree?
With a bird in it, a partridge maybe?

I don't understand.  This seems a bit queer.
I'll sit right back down and wait till next year.