Thursday, December 30, 2010

Jibberish

Winkity pinkity wallowy spoo
I haven't slept since '82
Oh yes my minds a fozzy woo
With kangaroos and owls who?
Sloopty doopty woopty woo
Got bags on my eyelids filled with goo
Or gunk or trunks or skunks no pew
That would stink a bit and moo
The cow still jumps upon the moon
Then lands right here right next to you
And me I'm fine that's not quite true
A little sleepy sloppy sloo
Flickly spickly wickly stoo
Just close my eyes for a sec or two
Or three or four or five honk shooooooooooo

Monday, December 27, 2010

Toothpaste Monster

In the eve when all is hushed
And eyelids tightly shut
A creature tips into the room
Where children's teeth are brushed

He finds the toothpaste clean and stored
Just the way Mom asked
Unscrews the top and squeezes tight
Then eerily he laughs

He rubs the paste all round the sink
And smears it on the door
Then puts some globs on moms nice towels
And drops some on the floor

Then he waits that sneaky devil
He waits inside the hamper
He waits till morn for you and me
He waits to hear feet scamper

Then his ears perk up a bit
The verdict Mom will state
She'll falsely blame both you and me
For the mess of the toothpaste

Friday, December 24, 2010

The Giver

At the mall in St. Mary
Bogart sat on Santa's knee.
Asked him for a real monkey,
But Santa said, "Well, let me see. . . "

"I weighed your good and bad this year
And I believe, no I'm quite clear
That on my list that I've got here
Your name does not on it appear."

So Bogart asked, "What can I do?"
"Comb your beard or shine your shoes,
Wash your sleigh, I'll do that too,
Or cook for you some turtle stew."

"Yes, you may do those things for me
But that's not quite enough you see,
The scales still tilt quite heavily,
So more is needed it does seem."

Bogart stood for hours in line.
It seemed he'd wasted all his time.
He left the mall, yes far behind
Away from windows, stores that shined.

And sitting there right on the ground
Outside the hustling bustling town
Was a bearded man his skin was browned,
He said, "I'm Jesus and it's you I've found."

He said, "I'll give you all I've got,
Watch over you both day and night,
Turn your blackness into white."
But Bogart said, "That can't be right."

"There's just too much for me to do
To earn Your gifts your presence too."
"I think I'll go I'm feeling blue
And in my guilt I will just rue."

Then Jesus said, "You cannot earn
My love and gifts that you so yearn.:
"It's you I choose no need to run."
"Let's live this life, let's have some fun."

Then Jesus took him by the hand;
They swam the ocean, hiked the land.
Bogart played in His rock band
And through the night the music jammed.

Mobs of folks began to crowd
The addicts, prostitutes, the rowdy
Gathered there around and loudly
Danced and sang and then they bowed.

And silence swept across the horde.
A cripple came then many more,
The homeless, hungry, and the poor
From many countries cross the world.

Soon the music began again,
The stars came out, the city dimmed.
Bogart looked around and grinned
He felt completed, full of Him.
That man so strange, Who was condemned
Who gave His life for all of them.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Naughty or Nice?

SSSSSHHHH!
Don't tell a soul.
It's my letter to Santa
Up at the North Pole.
He thinks I've been good;
That's not quite the truth.
But I'm asking for lots,
Do you think that's uncouth?
I'm better than Tommy;
He sat on his brother.
Much better than Alice,
She barked at her mother.
Suzy doesn't deserve much;
She broke line at school.
Mason did much worse;
He said spitting's cool.
So compared to that tax collector
I think I've done swell.
Just don't compare me to Jesus,
Cause I'll deserve. . . .well, you know.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Christmas Aliens

Up Up Up Up Up And Away
Much higher than ol' St. Nick's sleigh!
There are some creatures watching us
And watching every single day.

Their eyes are yellow like a bus.
They have four arms eight elbows plus
Two legs three chins and one large ear
And come from planet Gergelgus.

But once a year they come quite near.
They can be seen when nights are clear.
Their interest is our old St. Nick,
The one that brings us Christmas cheer.

And one day they may grab him quick
Before the second hand goes tick.
That sure will make the kids feel sick.
That sure will make the kids feel sick.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Snow Goggles

Bought some snow goggles at the store
Thought I'd put 'em on and see rain no more
That I'd look at my Paw and see a snowman
Make Maw a snow angel the same for Aunt Jan

Thought these green hills would turn to ski slopes
But did anything happen - why nope!
No flakes on my jacket and none on my slacks
Guess I'll take these snow goggles back

Saturday, December 18, 2010

A Christmas Disaster

Miggy, Twiggy, and Figgy the elves
Loaded Santa's sleigh all by themselves
Miggy the toys and Twiggy the dolls
Figgy put snacks in and maps for old Clause
But this year they started to load up too late
Miggy at seven and Twiggy past eight
Figgy was missing until the last minute
White Christmas was on it's been years since he's seen it
Santa got on the radio
And told everyone it was time to go
Miggy and Twiggy and Figgy they gasped
And threw all the bags in a little too fast
Santa was off on that Christmas Eve night
Peeked in his bags and was shocked at the sight
Miggy and Twiggy and Figgy in haste
Had grabbed Santa's trash bags containing his waste
Now there was no time, no time to turn back
Santa had nothing except for his trash
He thought just a second and made up his mind
The kids they'll be thankful, they won't really mind
So at his first stop he pulled out a shoe
Chewed up by his puppy named Jinglejangoo
Then at his next stop a half eaten pear
Jack from Jackson got Santa's trimmed hair
A napkin for Nellie all stained with ketchup
A broken light bulb and a Styrofoam cup
Timmy got tuna cans and Santa's old receipts
Jimmy got an empty canister for athlete's feet
Empty Dr. Pepper cans was what he gave young Michael
One would think old Santa Clause was green and would recycle
Candied wrappers, newspapers, toenails clipped just last night
Molded garlic bread and even half a loaf of white
Used band aids, old magazines, Santa gave it all
No toys this year or ipods, computers or basketballs
Santa made it through the night and gave the last child lint
But Miggy, Twiggy, and Figgy the elves have not been heard from since


Friday, December 17, 2010

Pops Noel

Christmas time has come and gone
And so has Pops Noel
Thought I'd head up to the pole
And talk to him a spell

Ask him what he does
When his Christmas givings done
Ask him what he does
The eve of January One

So I knocked upon his door
And woe was I surprised
When the door opened up
I could not believe my eyes

Ol' Santa was wearing nothing
'Cept some lime green underpants
Music blasting party balls
I was shocked to see him dance

Simply turned right back around
And headed the other way
Think I'll keep this to myself
For at least another day

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Santa's First Reindeer

Twas a long time ago
When Santa first started
His sleigh not quite built
His course not yet charted

He had a lone reindeer
Whose name was Lored
With one weighty antler
On the side of his head

All else was quite normal
That first Christmas Eve
Lored and ol' Santa
Preparing to leave

Santa hopped on Lored
Sat right on his back
That chubby old man
His heavy red sack

Then up in the air
They arose with the presents
Circling for hours
Like tail-spinning pheasants

Lored's weighty antler
Kept turning them round
He could not get straight
Ol' Santa just frowned

St. Nick got quite dizzy
Had lost all his cheer
And said home now Lored
We'll wait till next year

Lored was then banished
To the town of Breelunter
Where he became the trophy
Of a one-legged hunter

Monday, December 13, 2010

The Christmas Tree Eater

The Christmas tree eater is coming tonight
He's coming to your house and mine
He's not too picky what type tree
Whether Douglas Fir, Cedar, or Pine
He slithers underneath the doors
Around the couches and chairs
And swallows the Christmas trees down whole
Without a single care
Lights, ornaments, and popcorn strands
He doesn't mind a bit
Bells, candy canes, pictures, and stars
And even a candle lit
So beware little kiddies and make sure tonight
That if you play Hide-n' Go Seek
You may hide anywhere in the house
But don't dare go hide in the tree

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Ring-A-Ling-A-Ling

I saw Santa at a store
Ringing bells outside the door
Far from home he's in Nantucket
Standing by a small red bucket

As people passed they dropped their money
And I was thinking this seems funny
No one sat upon his lap
Or gave him wish lists as they passed

I got scared for Santa Clause
My thoughts were rushing I had to pause
He lost his sleigh or something worse
Laid off from his job or foreclosure

And now he's panhandling on the road
Begging from those whom gifts he's bestowed
My heart was aching my eyes dripping drops
Will his annual giving now stop?

And so I pondered that small red can
Gripped my nickels. . . . . turned and ran!

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Christmas with the In-Laws

I might be 32 or more
But at Christmas age is out the door
For no one likes to wait for gifts
But at the in-laws they take shifts
One present picked and passed around
Until the rightful owner's found
Then all the aunts and uncles peer
The prize is opened first this year
And then the second gift is passed
Just as slowly never fast
As I pretend to wait patiently
My mind is screaming, "PASS ONE TO ME!"
But one hour passes and then another
That one's Lynn's the next her brother's
The snacks are gone and then the drinks
It's been four hours this just stinks
The babies have napped the old-folks dozed
But I'm still waiting it's gotta be close
Finally my name read from a box
I open it up. . . it's a pair of socks!

Friday, December 10, 2010

Bobby Joe Thisslerow had Hair Made out of Mistletoe

Bobby Joe hated snow
Candy canes and Rodolph's nose
Presents wrapped with curly bows
What he hated mostly though
His hair was made of mistletoe

He never could escape the kisses
From Granny-maws to little misses
His penny throws and birthday wishes
Were for hair with normal frizzes

His face was chapped from all the pecks
On his ears and nose and neck
To him his life seemed such a wreck
A boy of eight and not too quick

And Christmas time was worst of all
From all the parties and festive balls
He'd hide in closets and race down halls
Duck under tables or in bathroom stalls

But never could he quite escape
Whether Betty Lou or Marsha Kate
The kisses came early and late
This was Bobby Joe's cursed fate

Thursday, December 9, 2010

The Worst Christmas Carolers in all of Algere

Helga, Lloyd, and Herman Babeer
Were the worst Christmas carolers in all of Algere
They loved to sing so year after year
They found just one person who'd give them her ear

It was Granny Claudine so sweet and sincere
All through their carols she'd smile with cheer
But one thing not known by the trio Babeers
Granny Claudine was deaf in both ears


Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Santa's Elf?

If you see someone with eyes of blue
Bearded face green curly shoes
Building planes and kangaroos
For all the boys and some girls too
Short and plump with strip-ed hues
Pointy ears yes that's a clue
Eating candy and sugared stew

You may say to yourself,
"That's Santa's Elf!"
But it's not
It's my Uncle Alf. . .
red

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Maw's Leg Stockings

Maw Jane was very plain
She wore a white moo-moo
She also wore a bonnet
And old tattered scuffed-up shoes

Her skin was pale from head to toe
Her hair up in a bun
The only bit of color
Was a red neck from the sun

Maw Jane got no attention
Until that Christmas morn
She tripped her skirts flew o're her head
Was like lookin' at Amish porn

No words can describe the looks
Nothing's ever been so shocking
Maw Jane had kept a secret
She wore pink and green striped stockings

Monday, December 6, 2010

Egg Nog

Me and Ricky Brewster Bogg
Loved to drink that ol' Egg Nog
Could hardly wait throughout the year
Like being 20 and lovin' beer
It can't be bought until the season
But I think any days good reason
To drink the merry mountain dew
Thick as Ma's Burboodle Stew
Started drinkin' at Halloween
The very first carton that we'd seen
Two months later on December Eight
Drunk 92 cartons plus one out of date
Must be a record the cartons between us
Hoping to get in the big book of Guinness
But one thing bout it that's certainly true
If I drink one more drop of Egg Nog. . . I'm gonna spew!

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Martha May Pettigrew Marilyn Spate

Please!  Oh please!  I just can't wait!
Said Martha May Pettigrew Marilyn Spate
Just one little present the smallest I see
Just one little gift wrapped under the tree
I won't ask again no peep you will hear
Until Christmas morn I've waited all year
I'll wash all the dishes I'll fold all the clothes
I'll change baby's diaper I'll wipe Johnny's nose
I'll clean my room daily until I am old
Take out all the garbage I'll scrub all the mold
Sweep both the kitchen and bathroom five times
I'll mop all the hardwoods until they all shine
Take Spot for a walk three times everyday
When baby gets fussy I'll take him to play
I'll pick up the toys I'll vacuum and dust
I'll eat all my dinner including bread crust
I'll clean out the fridge your pillows I'll fluff
I'll shovel the snow the car I will buff
I'll eat all the turnips you put on my plate

And then said Martha May Pettigrew Marilyn Spate
On second thought, I think I can wait.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Santa's Little Secret

Big white beard
And big white hair
Rosy cheeks
Round as a bear
Bright red coat
Red pants he's rockin'
Boots of black
Hat on his noggin

But one small secret NO ONE KNOWS!
Santa Clause has sixteen toes

Friday, December 3, 2010

SANTA ON THE BANJO AND JESUS ON THE FIDDLE

Santa on the banjo
And Jesus on the fiddle
Rockin Christmas bluegrass
Folks are dancin in the middle
The jiggly man in red
Big white hair and actin merry
Beard a flowin glasses frosty
Fingers rollin looks like Jerry
Jesus spinnin and a grinnin
He's a winnin lots of fans
Hands are raisin and a praisin
Jesus groovin sure can dance
Stage lights blastin lots of colors
Toes are tappin on the stage
Jesus looks over at Santa
Both are laughin as they play
Streets are packed and people hangin
From the windows up above
Folks are swingin round together
All are joyful filled with love
Jesus takes the mic and jams
Vocals ringin in the new
This party will keep rockin
Into Christmas and right through

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Where'd Granny Go?

I asked Maw where Granny went,
She said, "She'd done retired."
"She's been outta work fer years," I said.
"And hadn't she been fired?"
"You don't hear me right" maw said,
"Ol' Granny's kicked the can."
"You mean the one that Paw spits In?"
"No wonder the carpet's tanned!"
She said, "Ol' Granny's restin' now."
I said, "Go wake her up!"
"My stomach's growlin' mighty loud,
She needs to fix my sup!"
Maw said, "No Granny's left us now,
God's fiery chariots have come."
I said, "I bet her fanny's hot,
We'll have to ice her bum."
Maw said, "She won't be comin' back,
She's gone to be with her LORD."
"He'd better have a TV!
Cause Wheel of Fortune's at 4!"

I don't think my maw really knows the whereabouts of Granny
But I sure know where she ain't-
And that's in Alabamy!

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Mr. MAC-Nair and his Back Hair!

Mr. Mac-Nair had some back hair
That went from his waist to his shoulders
He had a wife of fourteen years
And she loved for him to hold her
She said he keeps her nice and warm
No matter the season of year
With a coat of natural down
Always soft and warm and near

It grew so long and round his belly
He no longer wore a shirt
It grew even longer year after year
And it much resembled a skirt

Soon his back hair was long enough
For both he and his wife to go bare
They always stayed together
As they walked from here to there

They had one kid and then another
It became a family affair
They were the closest family about
And all because of back hair

No one's seen the Mac-Nairs
In five or six years or so
But on occasion a mass of hair
Rolls by when the wind does blow