Should Have Jumped Farther

Saw a ditch, 'twas filled with mud
I eyed it for a while.
My mind went over pros and cons,
My mouth turned to a smile.
I slowly backed a good distance,
Past trees and rocks and stumps;
I took a breath and stretched my legs
For my stupendous jump.
And then I started, eyes held fast,
A straight line to my goal,
Coordinated each long stride,
Aware of every hole.
And then I planted my left foot
And pushed with all my might,
I swung my right leg to the sky,
I'm sure I was a sight.
The wind was racing 'gainst my face;
I floated through the air,
I must have flown for time unknown,
I didn't have a care.
Until I landed in the squish,
The mud splashed to my chin,
I should have jumped a bit farther,
I guess I'll try again.

If It's Not One Thing, It's Another!

Broke a bone the other week and went to see the Doc.
He fixed it up and as I left I tripped over a rock.
Chipped a tooth and saw the dentist two blocks down the road.
Received a crown, but had to go and stopped up his commode.
Plunged it well, and so it flushed, but dropped my wedding band.
Fished it out and walked outside, that day was not as planned.
Got in my car, it wouldn't start, yes, I was out of fuel.
Thumbed a ride from a old farmer and sat on the back of his mule.
Got bucked off and landed on my rump and tore my jeans.
Patched them up with Duct Tape, worst job you've ever seen.
Walked on home but stepped in poo, left by a dog or hen.
Took off my shoes and walked barefoot but stepped in poo again.
Washed my feet, but cut my toe on a piece of broken glass.
Wrapped it up and walked on home in hopes that day would pass.
Made it home, and walked right in but slipped on my son's sock.
Fell down hard and broke a bone, and walked back to the Doc.

Resolution of a Prisoner

This year I'd like to shine my chains
And make my chalk lines straighter.
Then count the rocks upon the floor;
Then count them backwards later.
I'll touch the stones upon the walls
As high as I can reach,
Then think of all the fruits I miss,
Like apples and a peach.
I'll look at the ceiling for a month or two,
Then the floor until July;
I won't blink through the month of August,
Or at least I'll give it a try.
Maybe I'll stand for a couple of weeks,
Without ever shifting my feet.
Or create a new language I'll speak with myself,
By chattering my teeth.
I could open my mouth or scratch my head
Or hold my breath again;
There are so many things I could do this year,
Where should I begin?
I need to write a song or two
And sing them to myself.
I need to finally buckle down
And catch that invisible elf.
I'd like to trim my fingernails,
But my teeth are mostly gone;
Or braid my hair and beard and chest,
Which last year I postponed.
I'd better get started so I can get through -
I'm beginning these today.
"Oh Heck!" I counted my chalk lines wrong!
It's really only May.

Christmas at the Commune

Santa travels once each year with gifts and deer and sleigh,
Stopping over a billion times all along the way.
But one stop he enjoys far more than most of all the others -
Is visiting the Black Bear Ranch and sharing with sisters and brothers.
He sheds his coat and hat and socks and hops on in the creek,
And blushes just a little bit at those who take a peek.
For clothes are just an option there and not a very good one,
Cause less is more at Black Bear Ranch so most the people wear none.
The girls sing Jingle Bells and other fitting songs;
The guys compare their beards with Santa cause his is very long.
Marshmallows are roasted 'round the fire as sparks fly in the air;
The peace pipe is passed a time or two - all are happy to share.
The night is filled with dancing and cool aid and smoke rings rising high;
They circle round the stars above and sway in the Christmas sky.
Soon morning comes and Santa bids them all a wondrous year,
Puts on his coat and hat and socks and wipes away his tears.
For it will be another year when he waves the communal branch,
On his return to see his friends at the wonderful Black Bear Ranch.

Bad Tradition

Aunt Loraine, who's quite insane,
Never returned from Memory Lane.
Her cat's named "Bulldog" her dog's named "Fish"
She makes a casserole called Petri Dish.

But those are small things compared to one,
Those things don't matter, they're kind of fun.
This is madness A La Mode,
Aunt gets festive with her commode.

She decorates it once a year,
To all but her it is quite queer.
At Christmas time she gets no tree,
No wreath, and no Nativity.

She takes her ornaments and lights
And hangs them round the pot of white -
The John, the Head, the porcelain bank;
It glows and shines from base to tank.

It's not so bad until that time,
After turkey, cornbread, dumplings, wine;
When tummies rumble and sweat begins,
And supper travels from mouths to ends.

The wires they tangle, the bulbs they burst;
If you have to sit then it's the worst.
The garland itches, the stars do poke,
The toilet paper sparks and smokes.

It's filled with Egg Nog in the bowl,
Above it hangs the mistletoe.
Around the base the presents lie,
When flushed it plays "Oh Holy Night."

And if you must go number two,
Saint Nicholas yells "Ho Ho Pew!"
No comic strips or magazines,
So please lay off the pork and beans!

Each year I swear will be my last
At Aunt Lorain's Ol' Christmas bash.

Sin-O-Meter

In the parish of St. Millzeter
Lived one pastor named Brother Peter
Holier he thought than a fasting skeeter
Glad to be Millzeter's leader

Each Sunday morn he'd preach the word
"From sin and folly, y'all must turn!"
"And if you don't you'll surely burn!"
"A man who sins is quite absurd!"

To better help those in Millzeter
He created a new Sin-O-Meter
To separate those in Millzeter
The "Good" from liars, thieves, and cheaters

Each person wore upon their head
A Sin-O-Meter like Peter said
So all could see the sins of Ted,
Bill and John and Rose and Jed

So in the town of St. Millzeter
The one whose leader was Brother Peter
Where everyone wore a Sin-O-Meter
The town now full of thieves and cheaters

For the Sin-O-Meters blinked and blinked
Heads hung low all through the streets
All were filled up with deceit
Millzeter was a town defeated

On Sunday morn the church was filled
They beat their breasts, emotions spilled
Brother Peter smiled - he was quite thrilled
His Sin-O-Meter still showed nil

But little Jimmy gave out a shout
He noticed Peter's batteries out
He gave his own, that little sprout
And Peter's Meter turned about

All eyes up front towards Peter's head
His hands were white, his face was red
His Sin-O-Meter quickly spread
From zero and white to black instead

And then Granny Nadle dropped her teeth
They fell right down beside her feet
She leaned on over and tried to reach
And flashed her bloomers in front of preacher

With skirts flung up and bloomers shown
Pete's Sin-O-Meter then exploded
He ran out the church and down the road
And passed the cross and never slowed

Suns Out Guns Out

I knew a lad his name was Ryan
He loved it when the sun did shine.
When the sun came out he'd shed his sleeves.
And all the girls would be quite pleased.
They'd "Oooh" and "Aaah," their jaws would lower,
He'd turn and wink from atop his mower.
And sometimes flex and smile and wave,
He looked so trim, so strong, so brave.
All the she's from Californ,
Ventured near this landscape porn.
To watch him mow, and rake, and dig,
And dream of him in leaves of fig.
The winter months could be quite grey,
And in his sleeves his guns did stay -
But summertime the sun came out,
And all the girls would run and shout!
Cause Ryan would wear his white tank tops
And oh those guns of his would pop!

A SasKwatches Feeld Guide 4 Sir-vivaL (BASIK SKiLLS NEEdED)

1. Don't lite a fire in the water. It wont werk.
2. Don't sit on pointy stix - they hurt.

4. Never pass gas in a small cave - it stinks.
5. Don't die - we're the missin' links.

5. When sleeping on a mountin, put yore head up-hill!
3. Don't sleep in the snow - yu'll catch a chill.

7. Honey bees don't taste like honey.
12. Don't walk into town whin it's sunny!

? Before eating a bird - take off its feathers.
? Before eating a man - take off his leather.

? Don't walk in the street whin a cars passin' by.
11? Don't sit on a fire cawse yore skwatch will fry.

Foller these rules and you'll be alrite!
Don't foller 'em and you'll probly die.

The Giant and the Mouse

A giant and a mouse sat down and they played tic-tac-toe.
The giant put and "X" down, the mouse then put an "O".
The giant played an "X" again in hopes to make a row,
But mouse he blocked the giant's path, so on the game must go.
Befuddled and bemused a bit the giant played again;
He put an "X" inside a box in hopes that he would win.
"Not Today!" the mouse did say, "though smaller than your shin,"
"This match is mine, three in a row; what fun this game has been."

The giant then, he looked right down, the mouse was smiling wide,
He grabbed the mouse, and ate him whole, and then he went outside.

Hearts of Dixie

I love this land of fields of green, of pines, and whitened sands,
I love this land of darker soil, of skin the sun has tanned.
Was gone awhile but I came back cause I am Alabam,
It's time to get back to our roots and prune the grafted damned.
The whitewashed tombs who hold the keys that Jesus threw away,
The brood of vipers spitting poison on our Alabama clay.
Get out your banjo, get out your fiddle, it's time to dance a jig,
It's time to plant a garden, and feed someone your pig.
Let's help the widows and orphans, let's feed the poor our best;
Let's take off this belt locked 'round our waist and shed this prided chest.
Grow some squash and grow some corn and plow up all your hate,
That's plowing up our freedom here in this Alabama state.
Porky Pig and piglet too, and Mickey Mouse's shout,
We think that we now own this land so kick the unwanted out.
Lest we forget we slaughtered those, the natives from before;
And cast them out while flinging rocks like the pharisees and whore.
Pocket your stones and pocket your hate and pocket your wocca-wocca;
Let's give the world a fresher vision; let's give the world a shock-a.
Elephants and donkeys and Joseph Smith's bros,
Our state is filled with those above, plus a few Latinos.
Let's pass out all the collards, the barbecue and bread,
And love our neighbors as ourselves just like Jesus said.

Same Ol'

If I were younger, just a bit, and skinnier, and smart,
If I had more hair up on top - that would be a start.
If I could jump a wee bit higher, was more flexible and tanned,
If my shoulders were broader, and my knees less wobbly -
and straighter I could stand. . .

Well then I'd be younger and less fat and smarter,
A full head of hair, a tall drink of water.
A higher jumper and bendy and tanned,
More stout and sure-footed, a good-looking man.

But I don't think I'd change my ways just because of that.
I think I'd sit in this same ol' spot and where this same ol' hat.

Work Work Work

Woke up this morning, went to work
Just like I do each day.
Sat at my desk and took a nap,
Some solitaire I played.
And then I texted all my friends,
Told them everything I'd done;
Which really wasn't very much,
And wasn't very fun.
Then I took a lunch break,
Had ham and cheese on white;
Ate a bag of Ruffles,
I also had a Sprite.
Back to work I went -
Checked email and had a snack;
Talked a bit about about the weekend
With Jim and Sue and Jack.

5:00 finally came,

Clocked out - got in my car;
I think I'll find another job,
This one seems too hard.

Just In Case I Forget.

I thought I'd let you know tonight -
I do not need to wait.
I need to get this off my chest
Before it is too late.
I should have told you yesterday,
Or maybe the day before. . .
I should have told you years ago,
Or maybe even more.
I can't believe I haven't yet,
I'm really feeling bad;
I need to tell your mother too -
And then I'll tell your dad.
So please sit down and listen up,
Important?  Yes, indeed!
You may even need to write this down,
For later on to read.
If I wait much longer I may forget,
And then I'd feel like snot.
So here it goes. . .Oh, never mind -
I think I just forgot.

The Man With Really Bad Breath

I met a man the other day eating old sardines,
And pickled eggs and garlic cheese,
And moldy tangerines.

And cat food and dog food with just a bit of mayo,
With liver and beets,
And shriveled up potatoes.

He drank a glass of buttermilk and then a whiskey shot,
And soured tea and black coffee,

And liquor from the pot.

He said, "Hello, how do you do? My name is Harry Hyde."

My eyes did glaze, my legs got weak -

And then I fell and died.

My Super Cape

I've got a super cape -
Had it for three years.
It helps me fly from here to there,
From Russia to Algiers.
Sometimes it's a force field.
Sometimes it's a whip.
Sometimes it's a comfy blanket.
For naps I always skip.
My mom she wants to wash it,
But I don't want her to.
It's got my bubble gum collection -
Took two years to chew.
There's some blood on the corner
From when I scraped my chin.
And in the middle of the back,
It's got some hair and skin.
It keeps me safe from the wind and snow,
And alien invaders.
And helps me hide my Mom's gross foods,
Like beets and stewed tomaters.
I don't need a napkin.
I've always got my cape.
It's only got a few small holes
I've fixed with some Duct Tape.
I also use it for a towel,
After I take a bath.
But that's just once or twice a year,
I'm not too good at math.
It's great as a sleeping bag,
And as a parachute.
It's great as an umbrella,
And hiding all my loot.
You're welcome to see it,
Unless you're a girl.
It's the best cape around,
The best one in the world.

Midnight Snack

It's 12:02 and I can't sleep,
I need some chips and dip.
Or maybe just a piece of chicken,
Or a few Cheese Nips.
Cold pizza might taste really good,
Or peanut butter and jelly,
But I won't sleep at all tonight,
Unless I fill my belly.
Hold on a bit; I hear a growl
From underneath my bed.
I hear some chomping and some chewing;
A mouth is getting fed.
There go my covers and my mattress,
OH NO!  It's got my back!
Plans have changed a bit tonight,

'Cause I'm the midnight snack!

Why Am I Sick?!?

I've got this cold, can't seem to shake;
My nose is really runny.
My head is hot.  My teeth are sore.
I do not think it's funny.
My eyes are gooey, lips are pale,
My toes and fingers aching.
My tummy hurts.  My throat is sore,
And I'm not even faking.
I don't know why I'm sick right now;
I haven't got a clue.
I don't know why my eyes are red,
And why my tongue is blue.
I've only had one bag of candy;
That's really not a lot.
I haven't brushed my teeth for days,
But they take years to rot.
I took a bath the other week,
But the water was too cold,
So I just put my feet in -
Maybe just my toes.
I saw the veggies that you cooked,
They did look really tasty;
So I left them all for you,
And I just had some pastries.
I played outside, yes, in the snow,
But that's not why I coughed;

My gloves and shoes got really wet,

So I just took them off.
And then I took my hat off too,
And then my coat and socks,
And put them on my snowman -
He's the best one on the block.
I may have stayed up just a bit
Longer than my folks,
But that was 'cause I couldn't sleep
From three six-packs of Cokes.
So I just watched TV a while
And had some chips and dip;
And there was sweet tea in the fridge,
So I just had a sip.
Please tell me now, what's wrong with me?
Do I just need a snack?
Wait just a sec, what's happening?!?
UH-OH!  IT'S COMING!!  YAAAAAAACK!!!

TO My Valin-Tine XOxOXoXXX

Ever since my eyes saw you
Thay've been crossed ever since.
Ever sense my lips kissed yores,
I've needed pepper-mints.
Ever cents my hand touched yores
It's been a wee bit smelly,
An' ever time I thank of you
My legs feel jest like jelly.

Yore my down home girl,
My butter bean!
My sweet pork Rine,
My dairy queen!
Yore teeth are crookid
Feet are bare,
Toenails dirty,
Stringy hare.
Skirts are red
Just like the clay,
Gal, I just want you -
TODAY!

You are my luv -
My valentyne!
I'd trade my hogs,
My mule, my swine;
Let's hop up on this truck'n dance,
Crank up tha engine - make rowmance!
I want to be yore future husband -
Not just yore favrite second cuzin!

BIGFOOT CAUGHT ON CAMERA!

Went out last week for a hike in the woods,
Spent a couple of nights in a tent.
Counted deer and elk and squirrels,
And picked up a pole cat's scent.
Crossed some creeks and jumped some logs,
Climbed a tree or two;
Skipped some rocks and whittled sticks,
And stepped right in some poo.

But then it happened - I couldn't believe it!
A creature scooted by.
Walked upright with lengthy arms,
Hair from its head to its thighs!
The beast looked like I thought he would,
'Bout six foot nine and hunched,
Heavy bodied with dreads in his fur,
I could have been his lunch!

I followed his trail, those giant tracks.
His feet were awfully big.
I caught his scent, about passed out,
He smelled just like a pig.
And then it happened, my dreams came true,
OUT JUMPED THE YETI!
I let out a sigh and turned off my camera,
It was just my Uncle Eddie.

Pachyderm Blues

Saw my shrink again;
Told her I was a giraffe.
She looked at me and snickered,

Then broke into a laugh.

Your neck's too short!
Your trunk too long!
Your ears too big!
You've got it wrong!
Your tusks are pointy;
You weigh 3 tons!
A flabby belly,
And jiggly buns!
You're an elephant!
A pachyderm!
Walk out this door
And join a herd!

And so I did,

Didn't want to though;
Don't quite fit in,
And they all know.