The Giant and the Mouse

A giant and a mouse sat down and they played tic-tac-toe.
The giant put and "X" down, the mouse then put an "O".
The giant played an "X" again in hopes to make a row,
But mouse he blocked the giant's path, so on the game must go.
Befuddled and bemused a bit the giant played again;
He put an "X" inside a box in hopes that he would win.
"Not Today!" the mouse did say, "though smaller than your shin,"
"This match is mine, three in a row; what fun this game has been."

The giant then, he looked right down, the mouse was smiling wide,
He grabbed the mouse, and ate him whole, and then he went outside.

Just In Case I Forget.

I thought I'd let you know tonight -
I do not need to wait.
I need to get this off my chest
Before it is too late.
I should have told you yesterday,
Or maybe the day before. . .
I should have told you years ago,
Or maybe even more.
I can't believe I haven't yet,
I'm really feeling bad;
I need to tell your mother too -
And then I'll tell your dad.
So please sit down and listen up,
Important?  Yes, indeed!
You may even need to write this down,
For later on to read.
If I wait much longer I may forget,
And then I'd feel like snot.
So here it goes. . .Oh, never mind -
I think I just forgot.

My Super Cape

I've got a super cape -
Had it for three years.
It helps me fly from here to there,
From Russia to Algiers.
Sometimes it's a force field.
Sometimes it's a whip.
Sometimes it's a comfy blanket.
For naps I always skip.
My mom she wants to wash it,
But I don't want her to.
It's got my bubble gum collection -
Took two years to chew.
There's some blood on the corner
From when I scraped my chin.
And in the middle of the back,
It's got some hair and skin.
It keeps me safe from the wind and snow,
And alien invaders.
And helps me hide my Mom's gross foods,
Like beets and stewed tomaters.
I don't need a napkin.
I've always got my cape.
It's only got a few small holes
I've fixed with some Duct Tape.
I also use it for a towel,
After I take a bath.
But that's just once or twice a year,
I'm not too good at math.
It's great as a sleeping bag,
And as a parachute.
It's great as an umbrella,
And hiding all my loot.
You're welcome to see it,
Unless you're a girl.
It's the best cape around,
The best one in the world.

Midnight Snack

It's 12:02 and I can't sleep,
I need some chips and dip.
Or maybe just a piece of chicken,
Or a few Cheese Nips.
Cold pizza might taste really good,
Or peanut butter and jelly,
But I won't sleep at all tonight,
Unless I fill my belly.
Hold on a bit; I hear a growl
From underneath my bed.
I hear some chomping and some chewing;
A mouth is getting fed.
There go my covers and my mattress,
OH NO!  It's got my back!
Plans have changed a bit tonight,

'Cause I'm the midnight snack!

Why Am I Sick?!?

I've got this cold, can't seem to shake;
My nose is really runny.
My head is hot.  My teeth are sore.
I do not think it's funny.
My eyes are gooey, lips are pale,
My toes and fingers aching.
My tummy hurts.  My throat is sore,
And I'm not even faking.
I don't know why I'm sick right now;
I haven't got a clue.
I don't know why my eyes are red,
And why my tongue is blue.
I've only had one bag of candy;
That's really not a lot.
I haven't brushed my teeth for days,
But they take years to rot.
I took a bath the other week,
But the water was too cold,
So I just put my feet in -
Maybe just my toes.
I saw the veggies that you cooked,
They did look really tasty;
So I left them all for you,
And I just had some pastries.
I played outside, yes, in the snow,
But that's not why I coughed;

My gloves and shoes got really wet,

So I just took them off.
And then I took my hat off too,
And then my coat and socks,
And put them on my snowman -
He's the best one on the block.
I may have stayed up just a bit
Longer than my folks,
But that was 'cause I couldn't sleep
From three six-packs of Cokes.
So I just watched TV a while
And had some chips and dip;
And there was sweet tea in the fridge,
So I just had a sip.
Please tell me now, what's wrong with me?
Do I just need a snack?
Wait just a sec, what's happening?!?
UH-OH!  IT'S COMING!!  YAAAAAAACK!!!

BIGFOOT CAUGHT ON CAMERA!

Went out last week for a hike in the woods,
Spent a couple of nights in a tent.
Counted deer and elk and squirrels,
And picked up a pole cat's scent.
Crossed some creeks and jumped some logs,
Climbed a tree or two;
Skipped some rocks and whittled sticks,
And stepped right in some poo.

But then it happened - I couldn't believe it!
A creature scooted by.
Walked upright with lengthy arms,
Hair from its head to its thighs!
The beast looked like I thought he would,
'Bout six foot nine and hunched,
Heavy bodied with dreads in his fur,
I could have been his lunch!

I followed his trail, those giant tracks.
His feet were awfully big.
I caught his scent, about passed out,
He smelled just like a pig.
And then it happened, my dreams came true,
OUT JUMPED THE YETI!
I let out a sigh and turned off my camera,
It was just my Uncle Eddie.

A World Without S

Hard to imagine a world without S
But I reckon I will try.
A nake would lither on the ground
And blue would be the ky.
We'd eat andwiche and a nack after noon;
We'd leep all night and tare up at the moon.
A bee would ting, a gun would hoot,
To wedding and church we'd all wear uit.
We'd all ing ong at Chritma time,
And low down at all top ign.
We'd urf the web and anwer the phone,
And read an article in the Rolling Tone.
We'd drink an oda and a pipe we'd moke,
And in the bathtub we all would oak.
We'd wim in the pond, and cook tew on the tove;

An ailor would ail, a crow would till crow.

That all I can take - my poem mut be done!

I hope eth come back before the next one!

Uncle Earl

Uncle Earl was practically dead.
He couldn't even lift his head.
His skin was pale his eyelids red,
"Won't last a day!" the doctor said.

So sweet Petunia meek and little
Came to visit with her fiddle.
Thought she'd play ol' Earle a diddle,
To cheer him up, that man so brittle.

With lifted bow she smiled at Earl.
She was his niece that little girl.
She curtsied once and did a twirl;
Brushed her face to move a curl.

She screeched the bow across the strings;
Ol' Earl let out a deafening scream,
Pulled his wires and needles and things,
And ran out the door no more to be seen.

My Pet Pterodactyl

My friend John's a falconer
But I'm a pterodactyl-er

A falcon's just too small you see

But a dino-bird's just right for me

Perched on my arm he is quite heavy

So now he perches on my Chevy

He flies around and comes right back

And when he does he gets a snack

I taught him how to hunt for deer

And on occasion he'll bring a steer

But last week I had to let him go

Cause he flew back with my son Joe

Black Hole

Maw said to keep away from snakes and cliffs and trolls
But she never mentioned nothin 'bout playing near black holes
So my gal and me found one - and she peeked inside first
Now I'm single again, but I guess it could be worse.

Date With a Werewolf

Al met a girl cute as a button
He asked her out one day.
She said she'd better not
But as he begged she said OK.
Washed his car and shaved his face,
Bought some chocolates and flowers.
Ironed his pants and darned his socks,
Must have taken six showers.
Everything seemed perfect as he knocked upon her door,
Sun was setting,
Birds were chirping,
Couldn't ask for more.
He parked on Lover's Mountain
And he got out his guitar.
Strummed his sweet a song or two
They gazed up at the stars.
Then the moon it was quite full
Beamed down upon the gal.
Her hair grew thick, her teeth grew long.
She then began to howl.
You may not want to know the rest,
I'm sure you have a hunch,
But if you ask a werewolf out
Make sure it's just for lunch.

A Road Traveled Less

Uncle Bobby Frost sent me

Out for some milk and corn.

He said I'd come to a fork in the woods

And to take the path less worn.

So I set out on my errand,

And obeyed Uncle Bobby Frost.

I took the road less traveled,

And doggone it I think I'm lost!

Grocery Shopping

OK, let's see. . .
Got my list and a clean buggy.
Corn check, pork chops, yes,
Paper towels to clean up our mess,
Black beans, baked beans, pintos, limas,
Chicken, ham-hock, Aunt Jamima,
Noodles, sauce, both red and white,
Milk, 3 gallons, cookies, rice,
Bread and butter, jelly, beer,
Beets, Q-tips for my ears,
Lettuce, sprouts, cereal, chips,
Cheese, juice, avocados, dip,
Celery, bananas, apples, pears,
Soothing ointment for ingrown hairs,
Floss and toothpaste, shampoo, soap,
Watermelon, Pepto, and 2 cantaloupes,
Ice cream, pizza, cornbread, honey,
"HORSE FEATHERS!!! I forgot my money!"

Belly Itcher

We needed a pitcher

But not one was found

We had to get someone

To stand on the mound

We found a first baseman
And even a coach

We had a left-fielder

His nickname was Roach

We had all but one

One spot left to fill

We asked Hank and Lo-Lo

And Todd, Burt and Jill

All hope was then lost

On getting a pitcher

We gave up the search and. . .
Hired a belly itcher.

Snow'd In

Phoneline's down,

Water's froze,

Power's off,

Stuffy nose,
Dog is missing,
Rabbit's stiff,
Car is buried,
Fell off a cliff,
Out of wood,
Roof is leaking,

Kids are cranky,

Wife's not speaking,

Trees have fallen,

So did I,

Broke my arm

And neck and thigh,

Out of propane,

Out of bread,

Out of milk,

Out of my head.

Stuck inside

In layered clothes,

All that aside. . .

I love the snow!

Expired Cowboy

Them buzzards been circlin' fer days,
Sure wish they'd be on their way.
Been lyin' here gazin' up,
Just wonderin' who's their sup?
Tried tossin' up some rocks,

But my arms they must be locked.

Tried screamin' and a yellin',

But my voice it must be failin'.

Tried to just git up and scoot,

But my legs ain't worth a toot.

My toes are numb, my ears don't work,

My mouth is dry but nothin' hurts.

So why are these buzzards circlin' my head?

Oh wait just a sec, that's right - I'm dead!

Bicycle Built for Who?

My dad bought me a bicycle
When I was only eight.
Came in a box with directions,
But he threw them all away.

So he put the bike together

Seventeen different times,

And now instead of riding my bike,

I'm sitting writing rhymes.

One Big Booger

Nose was plugged one early morn
So I shoved my finger in.
Pulled a slimy substance out,
Was yellowy and thin.
Pulled and then an eyeball came,
Some teeth I counted ten.
Pulled my veins and liver too,
And muscles from my shin.
Pulled a bone looked like a clavicle,
Then some cartilage came.
Hard to pull that ol' patella,
I had to really strain.
Pancreas, femur, ulna,
Feeling kind of woozy. . .
Pulled my heart and brain out -
Bluhhh

The String

From my shirt there hung a string

So I gave it a small tug.

Length extended quite a bit,

I could have made a rug.

I pulled again my shirt was gone,

My pants and then my shoes.

I kept pulling till I was bare

The grass unraveling too.

I pulled until my town was gone

The cars and all the stores.

I should have stopped right then and there

But I pulled the string some more.

I pulled California off the map

Then unraveled all the states.

I tugged until the world was gone,

Now I'm floating out in space.

What to do with all this string?

I haven't got a clue.

Guess I'll knit the moon a sweater

And a scarf or two.

One Gargantuous Toe!

Mary Joe Ellinore Stowe

Had a rather gargantuous toe.

'Bout every nine minutes or so

It would tremble a little and then start to grow.

Oh,

And one more thing before I go,

Her toe was tiny compared to her fro.