The Outlaw Spit McGraw

No one sat next to Spit McGraw.
Everyone knew he was a wanted outlaw.
Meanest man in Arkansas.
Some folks said he didn't love his maw.
He had arms of steel, was really tall.
Made Paul Bunyon look mighty small.
Could look at a glacier an' make it thaw.
Wrestled a bear and ate its claw.
Beat up a lion chewed off its paw.
Broke in an outhouse, graffiti'd the stall.

One thing about him, his one little flaw,

One thing 'bout Spit that made us all
Hold back our snickers and all our hee-haws. . .

Ol' Spit drank whiskey through a straw!

The Yeller Pianer

I might be a lousy shot, an' I cain't ride no horse,
Ain't never downed a shot of whiskey, but one thang is for shore.
Ever night 'bout ten O'clock I venture to Buck's Saloon
Sit right down at the yeller pianer and belt out a real nice tune.

All the gals an' all the boys will hoot and holler an' cuss,
An' look at me an' all will say, "Yore a better cowboy than us!"
I'll sang, "I ain't scared of this pianer but this pianer's scared o' me,
It used to be black till I sat down, now it's yeller as can be!"

An everyone from here to Texas'll say I'm the best around,

No one will mess with me for shore unless one little secret is found.

One small thang that no one knows from here to the Mexican border,

This yeller pianer sounds real nice, but only if you deposit a quarter.

Expired Cowboy

Them buzzards been circlin' fer days,
Sure wish they'd be on their way.
Been lyin' here gazin' up,
Just wonderin' who's their sup?
Tried tossin' up some rocks,

But my arms they must be locked.

Tried screamin' and a yellin',

But my voice it must be failin'.

Tried to just git up and scoot,

But my legs ain't worth a toot.

My toes are numb, my ears don't work,

My mouth is dry but nothin' hurts.

So why are these buzzards circlin' my head?

Oh wait just a sec, that's right - I'm dead!

Colt 44's

Saw a kid 'bout 5 foot 6,

Not much bigger than a piggly stick.

White as cotton, freckled cheeks,

Parted hair and seemed quite meek.

Pants were pressed with coat and tie,

Argyle socks and innocent eyes.

When he spoke he smiled and giggled.

When he walked he actually wiggled.

But those he meets turn right around,

They sprint, they hide, dive to the ground.

He may be fragile to the core,

But he carries huge Colt 44's!