Sin-O-Meter

In the parish of St. Millzeter
Lived one pastor named Brother Peter
Holier he thought than a fasting skeeter
Glad to be Millzeter's leader

Each Sunday morn he'd preach the word
"From sin and folly, y'all must turn!"
"And if you don't you'll surely burn!"
"A man who sins is quite absurd!"

To better help those in Millzeter
He created a new Sin-O-Meter
To separate those in Millzeter
The "Good" from liars, thieves, and cheaters

Each person wore upon their head
A Sin-O-Meter like Peter said
So all could see the sins of Ted,
Bill and John and Rose and Jed

So in the town of St. Millzeter
The one whose leader was Brother Peter
Where everyone wore a Sin-O-Meter
The town now full of thieves and cheaters

For the Sin-O-Meters blinked and blinked
Heads hung low all through the streets
All were filled up with deceit
Millzeter was a town defeated

On Sunday morn the church was filled
They beat their breasts, emotions spilled
Brother Peter smiled - he was quite thrilled
His Sin-O-Meter still showed nil

But little Jimmy gave out a shout
He noticed Peter's batteries out
He gave his own, that little sprout
And Peter's Meter turned about

All eyes up front towards Peter's head
His hands were white, his face was red
His Sin-O-Meter quickly spread
From zero and white to black instead

And then Granny Nadle dropped her teeth
They fell right down beside her feet
She leaned on over and tried to reach
And flashed her bloomers in front of preacher

With skirts flung up and bloomers shown
Pete's Sin-O-Meter then exploded
He ran out the church and down the road
And passed the cross and never slowed

Hearts of Dixie

I love this land of fields of green, of pines, and whitened sands,
I love this land of darker soil, of skin the sun has tanned.
Was gone awhile but I came back cause I am Alabam,
It's time to get back to our roots and prune the grafted damned.
The whitewashed tombs who hold the keys that Jesus threw away,
The brood of vipers spitting poison on our Alabama clay.
Get out your banjo, get out your fiddle, it's time to dance a jig,
It's time to plant a garden, and feed someone your pig.
Let's help the widows and orphans, let's feed the poor our best;
Let's take off this belt locked 'round our waist and shed this prided chest.
Grow some squash and grow some corn and plow up all your hate,
That's plowing up our freedom here in this Alabama state.
Porky Pig and piglet too, and Mickey Mouse's shout,
We think that we now own this land so kick the unwanted out.
Lest we forget we slaughtered those, the natives from before;
And cast them out while flinging rocks like the pharisees and whore.
Pocket your stones and pocket your hate and pocket your wocca-wocca;
Let's give the world a fresher vision; let's give the world a shock-a.
Elephants and donkeys and Joseph Smith's bros,
Our state is filled with those above, plus a few Latinos.
Let's pass out all the collards, the barbecue and bread,
And love our neighbors as ourselves just like Jesus said.

What A Guy

There once lived a guy way up in the hills,
Wore sweaters and tight fitting jeans;
And sat in the hot tub most nights of the year,
Of his neighbors that lived down the street.

He loved Christmas time and all holidays,
Watched movies till 2 in the morn,
And smoked a good pipe and drank a cheap beer,
Ate goodies like flavored popcorn.

His voice was like a rickety truck,
His laugh like the trucks first crank.
His hair was thin, his mustache not,
His body was not very lank.

His kids loved him so, and so did his wife,
His dog and his kitty cat too;
He'd come to my house, we'd build a good fire,
And sit and enjoy a good brew.

We'd talk for hours about jobs and places,
Our homes away back east.
About love on earth and after death,
And wives of whom we're pleased.

He was here last week and then he left
For greater things out there,
What lies beyond this death covered earth
He may even now have hair.

Is he climbing a mountain or humming a song?
Or soaking in a hot tub?
Or wearing a sweater or talking with Jesus?
Or in a celestial pub?
Or walking by rivers or climbing a tree?
Or working a job just for Him?
Or sitting and thinking of wonderful things?
Or running or taking a swim?

I do wish I knew and one day I will,
For now I just hope and I wait.
Of love I can't fathom, adventures beyond,
The lack of all guilt, worry, hate.

So here's to the guy who we knew as Guy,
Death came just like we knew.
We won't escape either, there's no one who has;
I'm scared but I do know the truth.

That Jesus did die then rose up again,
His body was made brand new;
And one day the heavens, the earth, and our bodies,
Will be made brand new again too.

Without the sickness, or sorrows, or death,
We'll work and we'll live and we'll love;
And need for nothing and want for less,
We'll see you again soon enough.

Melancholy Mormon

Mistakes are made that is no doubt,
But a wife I couldn't live without.
One golden ring then I was wed;

One lovely wife lay in my bed.

If one be good, shan't two be grand?

A second wife then held my hand.

Why not more, don't you agree?

If two be good, then how 'bout three?

Our life was full, but I got bored,

So next came matrimony four.

I must confess I should have ceased.

My house no longer held the peace.

But then I saw a lovely maid

My other wives stood in her shade.

Stop?  No sir, I've but one life.

I made that maiden my fifth wife.

Five golden rings, five wedded hands.

Five wives for this one Mormon man.

Oh Solomon, David, Jacob too,

Why didn't I listen to the three of you?

And take one wife and never more,

But no, I added another four.

Do they cook?  No.  Do they clean?

No, they just argue, shop, and scream.

My money's gone; I just can't cope.

What's on t.v.?  That's right, soaps.

No steak.  Just salads and hot tea.

They make me walk outside to pee.

They're on the phone, computer too.

Buying dresses and fancy shoes.

Pinterest, facebook, etsy, blogs,

Lace and flowers, pumps and clogs.

Oh, the horror, ouch the sting!

Why'd I buy five golden rings?!?

Professor Lou Answers Cindy Sue

Cindy Sue passed Professor Lou
And said, "May I ask a question of you?"
He stopped and whimpered and turned quite blue,
Looked down and snorted, "OH NOT YOU TOO!?!
Then Professor Lou began to fume -
"I just don't know I'm quite confused,

Is the earth 10 billion or fairly new?

Did we evolve from a bubbling stew?

Is there a God, I wish I knew?

And what will happen at the last?
Will we evaporate or turn to gas?

Or Jesus come and heal the mass?

I really don't know, but go on ask!"


Then Cindy Sue said to Professor Lou,
"All that sounds just fine and dandy,
But I really just wanted a piece of candy."

The Unscratchable Itch

While sitting in a pew at church
I had an itch it made me lurch
And bend and stretch and reach and perch
Quite like an oak, willow, or birch

My arms like hands upon a clock
Around they ticked my mom was shocked
She said be still act like a rock
Like sister Sarah or brother Brock

They sit like angels bout every week
They listen so while Pastor speaks
But if she must a switch she'll seek
To calm me down to make me meek

The itch it started right on my thigh
It moved right up right to my eye
Across my belly it made me cry
And crossed my back thought I would die

And closed my eyes and then I prayed
That this ol' itch would go away
And then in church yes I could stay
I'd sit quite still I wouldn't sway

And then it stopped right then right there
The itch was gone my life was spared
Thought all was fine that all was fair
But then a gnat buzzed by my hair

The Giver

At the mall in St. Mary
Bogart sat on Santa's knee.
Asked him for a real monkey,
But Santa said, "Well, let me see. . . "

"I weighed your good and bad this year
And I believe, no I'm quite clear
That on my list that I've got here
Your name does not on it appear."

So Bogart asked, "What can I do?"
"Comb your beard or shine your shoes,
Wash your sleigh, I'll do that too,
Or cook for you some turtle stew."

"Yes, you may do those things for me
But that's not quite enough you see,
The scales still tilt quite heavily,
So more is needed it does seem."

Bogart stood for hours in line.
It seemed he'd wasted all his time.
He left the mall, yes far behind
Away from windows, stores that shined.

And sitting there right on the ground
Outside the hustling bustling town
Was a bearded man his skin was browned,
He said, "I'm Jesus and it's you I've found."

He said, "I'll give you all I've got,
Watch over you both day and night,
Turn your blackness into white."
But Bogart said, "That can't be right."

"There's just too much for me to do
To earn Your gifts your presence too."
"I think I'll go I'm feeling blue
And in my guilt I will just rue."

Then Jesus said, "You cannot earn
My love and gifts that you so yearn.:
"It's you I choose no need to run."
"Let's live this life, let's have some fun."

Then Jesus took him by the hand;
They swam the ocean, hiked the land.
Bogart played in His rock band
And through the night the music jammed.

Mobs of folks began to crowd
The addicts, prostitutes, the rowdy
Gathered there around and loudly
Danced and sang and then they bowed.

And silence swept across the horde.
A cripple came then many more,
The homeless, hungry, and the poor
From many countries cross the world.

Soon the music began again,
The stars came out, the city dimmed.
Bogart looked around and grinned
He felt completed, full of Him.
That man so strange, Who was condemned
Who gave His life for all of them.

SANTA ON THE BANJO AND JESUS ON THE FIDDLE

Santa on the banjo

And Jesus on the fiddle

Rockin Christmas bluegrass

Folks are dancin in the middle

The jiggly man in red
Big white hair and actin merry
Beard a flowin glasses frosty

Fingers rollin looks like Jerry

Jesus spinnin and a grinnin
He's a winnin lots of fans

Hands are raisin and a praisin

Jesus groovin sure can dance

Stage lights blastin lots of colors
Toes are tappin on the stage
Jesus looks over at Santa
Both are laughin as they play

Streets are packed and people hangin

From the windows up above

Folks are swingin round together

All are joyful filled with love

Jesus takes the mic and jams

Vocals ringin in the new

This party will keep rockin

Into Christmas and right through

Where'd Granny Go?

I asked Maw where Granny went,
She said, "She'd done retired."
"She's been outta work fer years," I said.
"And hadn't she been fired?"
"You don't hear me right" maw said,
"Ol' Granny's kicked the can."
"You mean the one that Paw spits In?"
"No wonder the carpet's tanned!"
She said, "Ol' Granny's restin' now."
I said, "Go wake her up!"
"My stomach's growlin' mighty loud,
She needs to fix my sup!"
Maw said, "No Granny's left us now,
God's fiery chariots have come."
I said, "I bet her fanny's hot,
We'll have to ice her bum."
Maw said, "She won't be comin' back,
She's gone to be with her LORD."
"He'd better have a TV!
Cause Wheel of Fortune's at 4!"

I don't think my maw really knows the whereabouts of Granny
But I sure know where she ain't-
And that's in Alabamy!

Thoughts about Death

If I could choose a way to die
It wouldn't be drowning
Or burning - that sounds really bad
I don't think I would want my head chopped off either
Nor do I want to get shot with a cannon or bitten by a cobra or eaten by an elephant

I'll have to think about it a little more - maybe forever