Naughty or Nice?

SSSSSHHHH!
Don't tell a soul.
It's my letter to Santa

Up at the North Pole.

He thinks I've been good;

That's not quite the truth.

But I'm asking for lots,

Do you think that's uncouth?

I'm better than Tommy;

He sat on his brother.

Much better than Alice,

She barked at her mother.

Suzy doesn't deserve much;

She broke line at school.

Mason did much worse;

He said spitting's cool.

So compared to that tax collector

I think I've done swell.

Just don't compare me to Jesus,

Cause I'll deserve. . . .well, you know.

Christmas Aliens

Up Up Up Up Up And Away

Much higher than ol' St. Nick's sleigh!

There are some creatures watching us

And watching every single day.

Their eyes are yellow like a bus.

They have four arms eight elbows plus

Two legs three chins and one large ear
And come from planet Gergelgus.

But once a year they come quite near.

They can be seen when nights are clear.

Their interest is our old St. Nick,

The one that brings us Christmas cheer.

And one day they may grab him quick
Before the second hand goes tick.
That sure will make the kids feel sick.
That sure will make the kids feel sick.

A Christmas Disaster

Miggy, Twiggy, and Figgy the elves
Loaded Santa's sleigh all by themselves
Miggy the toys and Twiggy the dolls
Figgy put snacks in and maps for old Clause
But this year they started to load up too late
Miggy at seven and Twiggy past eight
Figgy was missing until the last minute
White Christmas was on it's been years since he's seen it
Santa got on the radio
And told everyone it was time to go
Miggy and Twiggy and Figgy they gasped
And threw all the bags in a little too fast
Santa was off on that Christmas Eve night
Peeked in his bags and was shocked at the sight
Miggy and Twiggy and Figgy in haste
Had grabbed Santa's trash bags containing his waste
Now there was no time, no time to turn back
Santa had nothing except for his trash
He thought just a second and made up his mind
The kids they'll be thankful, they won't really mind

So at his first stop he pulled out a shoe

Chewed up by his puppy named Jinglejangoo

Then at his next stop a half eaten pear

Jack from Jackson got Santa's trimmed hair

A napkin for Nellie all stained with ketchup

A broken light bulb and a Styrofoam cup

Timmy got tuna cans and Santa's old receipts

Jimmy got an empty canister for athlete's feet

Empty Dr. Pepper cans was what he gave young Michael
One would think old Santa Clause was green and would recycle
Candied wrappers, newspapers, toenails clipped just last night
Molded garlic bread and even half a loaf of white

Used band aids, old magazines, Santa gave it all

No toys this year or ipods, computers or basketballs

Santa made it through the night and gave the last child lint

But Miggy, Twiggy, and Figgy the elves have not been heard from since

Pops Noel

Christmas time has come and gone

And so has Pops Noel

Thought I'd head up to the pole

And talk to him a spell

Ask him what he does

When his Christmas givings done

Ask him what he does
The eve of January One

So I knocked upon his door
And woe was I surprised
When the door opened up
I could not believe my eyes

Ol' Santa was wearing nothing

'Cept some lime green underpants

Music blasting party balls

I was shocked to see him dance

Simply turned right back around
And headed the other way
Think I'll keep this to myself
For at least another day

Santa's First Reindeer

Twas a long time ago
When Santa first started
His sleigh not quite built
His course not yet charted

He had a lone reindeer
Whose name was Lored
With one weighty antler
On the side of his head

All else was quite normal
That first Christmas Eve
Lored and ol' Santa
Preparing to leave

Santa hopped on Lored

Sat right on his back

That chubby old man

His heavy red sack

Then up in the air

They arose with the presents

Circling for hours

Like tail-spinning pheasants

Lored's weighty antler

Kept turning them round

He could not get straight
Ol' Santa just frowned

St. Nick got quite dizzy
Had lost all his cheer
And said home now Lored
We'll wait till next year

Lored was then banished
To the town of Breelunter
Where he became the trophy
Of a one-legged hunter

Ring-A-Ling-A-Ling

I saw Santa at a store

Ringing bells outside the door

Far from home he's in Nantucket

Standing by a small red bucket

As people passed they dropped their money
And I was thinking this seems funny
No one sat upon his lap
Or gave him wish lists as they passed

I got scared for Santa Clause

My thoughts were rushing I had to pause

He lost his sleigh or something worse

Laid off from his job or foreclosure

And now he's panhandling on the road

Begging from those whom gifts he's bestowed

My heart was aching my eyes dripping drops

Will his annual giving now stop?

And so I pondered that small red can

Gripped my nickels. . . . . turned and ran!

Santa's Elf?

If you see someone with eyes of blue

Bearded face green curly shoes

Building planes and kangaroos

For all the boys and some girls too

Short and plump with strip-ed hues

Pointy ears yes that's a clue

Eating candy and sugared stew

You may say to yourself,

"That's Santa's Elf!"

But it's not

It's my Uncle Alf. . .

red

Martha May Pettigrew Marilyn Spate

Please!  Oh please!  I just can't wait!
Said Martha May Pettigrew Marilyn Spate
Just one little present the smallest I see
Just one little gift wrapped under the tree
I won't ask again no peep you will hear
Until Christmas morn I've waited all year
I'll wash all the dishes I'll fold all the clothes
I'll change baby's diaper I'll wipe Johnny's nose

I'll clean my room daily until I am old

Take out all the garbage I'll scrub all the mold

Sweep both the kitchen and bathroom five times

I'll mop all the hardwoods until they all shine

Take Spot for a walk three times everyday

When baby gets fussy I'll take him to play

I'll pick up the toys I'll vacuum and dust

I'll eat all my dinner including bread crust

I'll clean out the fridge your pillows I'll fluff

I'll shovel the snow the car I will buff

I'll eat all the turnips you put on my plate

And then said Martha May Pettigrew Marilyn Spate

On second thought, I think I can wait.

Santa's Little Secret

Big white beard

And big white hair

Rosy cheeks

Round as a bear

Bright red coat

Red pants he's rockin'

Boots of black

Hat on his noggin

But one small secret NO ONE KNOWS!

Santa Clause has sixteen toes

SANTA ON THE BANJO AND JESUS ON THE FIDDLE

Santa on the banjo

And Jesus on the fiddle

Rockin Christmas bluegrass

Folks are dancin in the middle

The jiggly man in red
Big white hair and actin merry
Beard a flowin glasses frosty

Fingers rollin looks like Jerry

Jesus spinnin and a grinnin
He's a winnin lots of fans

Hands are raisin and a praisin

Jesus groovin sure can dance

Stage lights blastin lots of colors
Toes are tappin on the stage
Jesus looks over at Santa
Both are laughin as they play

Streets are packed and people hangin

From the windows up above

Folks are swingin round together

All are joyful filled with love

Jesus takes the mic and jams

Vocals ringin in the new

This party will keep rockin

Into Christmas and right through