Christmas with the In-Laws

I might be 32 or more
But at Christmas age is out the door
For no one likes to wait for gifts
But at the in-laws they take shifts

One present picked and passed around
Until the rightful owner's found
Then all the aunts and uncles peer
The prize is opened first this year
And then the second gift is passed
Just as slowly never fast
As I pretend to wait patiently
My mind is screaming, "PASS ONE TO ME!"
But one hour passes and then another
That one's Lynn's the next her brother's
The snacks are gone and then the drinks
It's been four hours this just stinks
The babies have napped the old-folks dozed
But I'm still waiting it's gotta be close
Finally my name read from a box
I open it up. . . it's a pair of socks!

Santa's Elf?

If you see someone with eyes of blue

Bearded face green curly shoes

Building planes and kangaroos

For all the boys and some girls too

Short and plump with strip-ed hues

Pointy ears yes that's a clue

Eating candy and sugared stew

You may say to yourself,

"That's Santa's Elf!"

But it's not

It's my Uncle Alf. . .

red

Maw's Leg Stockings

Maw Jane was very plain
She wore a white moo-moo
She also wore a bonnet
And old tattered scuffed-up shoes

Her skin was pale from head to toe

Her hair up in a bun

The only bit of color

Was a red neck from the sun

Maw Jane got no attention

Until that Christmas morn

She tripped her skirts flew o're her head

Was like lookin' at Amish porn

No words can describe the looks
Nothing's ever been so shocking
Maw Jane had kept a secret
She wore pink and green striped stockings

The In-Laws

Thanksgiving again it's always the same
We go to the in-laws there's thousands of names
Family's so big just can't quite remember
Everyones' name seen once in November

There's David and Angela and maybe a Sue
I think there's a Mark and a Mac or two
Reid and Mimi and Trisha and Rob
Jeff and Jack but no one named Bob

There's Jan and Tommy, Lynn and Josh
So many names to remember "Oh Gosh!"
Lynnlee and Alan and Pam and a Meg
It hurts in my brain way down to my leg

There's Casie and Molly and Chad and a Ben?
Oh just forget it! I'll skip Thanksgiving again.

Momma Said

Momma said there's no such thing
as aliens or boogie men
No leprechauns, ghouls, or gnomes
no unicorns or big gargoyles
I'm not to believe in anything
like werewolves, satyrs, or fairy beings
There's never been fiery dragons
or hobbits like one Bilbo Baggins
No sirens, pixies, or Santa Clause
no don't believe in him at all
The Loch Ness monster is just a lie
just like that Pegasus in the sky
But Mommas gone no more to toil
for she was eaten by a troll