Trans-Parent-sies

Your Maw and Paw check up they do
They phone and text and keep up with you

But mine just follow when they please

You see I've got trans-parent-sies

Can't cuss or spit or round the bases

Can't goof, can't fight, or go to races

Don't ever know when Paw's behind

Maw stalks and sneaks and she don't mind

They're quiet like owls or mice or ants
Can't see their heads or shirts or pants
They just follow when they please

Can't see my own trans-parent-sies

Tried sneakin' out, tried mucha' pleadin'

Tried telling them space is what I'm needin'

But they don't care they like to follow

And in my business they do wallow

So no dances, parties, "Oh wretched fate!"

It's once again to bed at eight.

Bicycle Built for Who?

My dad bought me a bicycle
When I was only eight.
Came in a box with directions,
But he threw them all away.

So he put the bike together

Seventeen different times,

And now instead of riding my bike,

I'm sitting writing rhymes.

One Big Booger

Nose was plugged one early morn
So I shoved my finger in.
Pulled a slimy substance out,
Was yellowy and thin.
Pulled and then an eyeball came,
Some teeth I counted ten.
Pulled my veins and liver too,
And muscles from my shin.
Pulled a bone looked like a clavicle,
Then some cartilage came.
Hard to pull that ol' patella,
I had to really strain.
Pancreas, femur, ulna,
Feeling kind of woozy. . .
Pulled my heart and brain out -
Bluhhh

Toothpaste Monster

In the eve when all is hushed
And eyelids tightly shut
A creature tips into the room
Where children's teeth are brushed

He finds the toothpaste clean and stored
Just the way Mom asked
Unscrews the top and squeezes tight
Then eerily he laughs

He rubs the paste all round the sink
And smears it on the door
Then puts some globs on moms nice towels
And drops some on the floor

Then he waits that sneaky devil
He waits inside the hamper
He waits till morn for you and me
He waits to hear feet scamper

Then his ears perk up a bit
The verdict Mom will state
She'll falsely blame both you and me
For the mess of the toothpaste

Ring-A-Ling-A-Ling

I saw Santa at a store

Ringing bells outside the door

Far from home he's in Nantucket

Standing by a small red bucket

As people passed they dropped their money
And I was thinking this seems funny
No one sat upon his lap
Or gave him wish lists as they passed

I got scared for Santa Clause

My thoughts were rushing I had to pause

He lost his sleigh or something worse

Laid off from his job or foreclosure

And now he's panhandling on the road

Begging from those whom gifts he's bestowed

My heart was aching my eyes dripping drops

Will his annual giving now stop?

And so I pondered that small red can

Gripped my nickels. . . . . turned and ran!

Martha May Pettigrew Marilyn Spate

Please!  Oh please!  I just can't wait!
Said Martha May Pettigrew Marilyn Spate
Just one little present the smallest I see
Just one little gift wrapped under the tree
I won't ask again no peep you will hear
Until Christmas morn I've waited all year
I'll wash all the dishes I'll fold all the clothes
I'll change baby's diaper I'll wipe Johnny's nose

I'll clean my room daily until I am old

Take out all the garbage I'll scrub all the mold

Sweep both the kitchen and bathroom five times

I'll mop all the hardwoods until they all shine

Take Spot for a walk three times everyday

When baby gets fussy I'll take him to play

I'll pick up the toys I'll vacuum and dust

I'll eat all my dinner including bread crust

I'll clean out the fridge your pillows I'll fluff

I'll shovel the snow the car I will buff

I'll eat all the turnips you put on my plate

And then said Martha May Pettigrew Marilyn Spate

On second thought, I think I can wait.

Where'd Granny Go?

I asked Maw where Granny went,
She said, "She'd done retired."
"She's been outta work fer years," I said.
"And hadn't she been fired?"
"You don't hear me right" maw said,
"Ol' Granny's kicked the can."
"You mean the one that Paw spits In?"
"No wonder the carpet's tanned!"
She said, "Ol' Granny's restin' now."
I said, "Go wake her up!"
"My stomach's growlin' mighty loud,
She needs to fix my sup!"
Maw said, "No Granny's left us now,
God's fiery chariots have come."
I said, "I bet her fanny's hot,
We'll have to ice her bum."
Maw said, "She won't be comin' back,
She's gone to be with her LORD."
"He'd better have a TV!
Cause Wheel of Fortune's at 4!"

I don't think my maw really knows the whereabouts of Granny
But I sure know where she ain't-
And that's in Alabamy!

Safari Jacky

Safari Jacky is a little wacky and at times a bit confused
She travels east and she travels west and all in green elf shoes
She carries no weapons only a spoon which hangs upon her belt
She used to carry a bottle of bubbles she blew but then they spilled
Safari Jacky wears a top hat with a squirrel and bird underneath
She also carries a large toothbrush with one swipe can brush all her teeth
She loves to sing and clap her hands and she sleeps with a large lock of hair

So if you see her exploring near you . . . Be careful and please don't stare

Momma Said

Momma said there's no such thing
as aliens or boogie men
No leprechauns, ghouls, or gnomes
no unicorns or big gargoyles
I'm not to believe in anything
like werewolves, satyrs, or fairy beings
There's never been fiery dragons
or hobbits like one Bilbo Baggins
No sirens, pixies, or Santa Clause
no don't believe in him at all
The Loch Ness monster is just a lie
just like that Pegasus in the sky
But Mommas gone no more to toil
for she was eaten by a troll