The Giant and the Mouse

A giant and a mouse sat down and they played tic-tac-toe.
The giant put and "X" down, the mouse then put an "O".
The giant played an "X" again in hopes to make a row,
But mouse he blocked the giant's path, so on the game must go.
Befuddled and bemused a bit the giant played again;
He put an "X" inside a box in hopes that he would win.
"Not Today!" the mouse did say, "though smaller than your shin,"
"This match is mine, three in a row; what fun this game has been."

The giant then, he looked right down, the mouse was smiling wide,
He grabbed the mouse, and ate him whole, and then he went outside.

Pachyderm Blues

Saw my shrink again;
Told her I was a giraffe.
She looked at me and snickered,

Then broke into a laugh.

Your neck's too short!
Your trunk too long!
Your ears too big!
You've got it wrong!
Your tusks are pointy;
You weigh 3 tons!
A flabby belly,
And jiggly buns!
You're an elephant!
A pachyderm!
Walk out this door
And join a herd!

And so I did,

Didn't want to though;
Don't quite fit in,
And they all know.

Unusual Suspects

Dialed 9-1-1, oh yes it's true,
Someone had stole my kangaroo.
They showed up soon, those men in blue,
I told them one specific clue.
"This thief was different, he was skewed,
Can't quite remember how though blue."
They searched the night and caught eleven,
Brought them in, four bods plus seven.
I took a peek and what I saw
Made me curl up into a ball.
The first one had a giant paw,
Like a bears with five sharp claws.
The second's knees were far too big,
His legs looked like they grew two pigs.
The third man's arms dragged 'cross the floor
And went right underneath the door.
The fourth one looked just like a deer,
In fact he was, this is quite queer!
The fifth and sixth were joined together
And their hair was made of feathers.
Seven stood up straight and tall,
His head looked like a tennis ball.
Eight was standing on his hands,
His kilt was raised, his cheeks were tanned.
Nine was backwards, ten was green,
It was the strangest crew I'd seen.
Eleven was invisible,
Except for all his sparkly jewels.

I told the cops they'd done quite swell,
But none of these quite fit the bill.

I then remembered the one strange thing
That on the crook I think I'd seen.
So then I said, "It's none of these!"
"Let them go blue, if you please."
"The thief who stole my kangaroo,
He had two different colored shoes!"

8 Maids a Milking

Wobbly knees and sweaty hands and
Swollen tongue, inflated glands and
Rapid heartbeat, taste buds bland
And world is spinning might crash land.

Eight maids a milking that one cow -
WOW! Not much room for that pow wow;
I almost fell off of my plow;
MEOW! MEOW! This should not be allowed!

OH POO! MY FACE IS TURNING BLUE!
CAN'T BREATH! CAN'T THINK - MY MIND IS GOO!
Must take a swig of Stew's home brew.
And smile and wave and pass on through.

But lo, they turned to wave, the burn,
My head's on fire, my chutter's burned
Disintegrating. . .where's an urn?
To place me in no more to yearn.

Eight maids a milking that one heifer,
A memory stored it's now a lifer.
Would love to make just one my wife or,
Two, or three, or four, or five.

Six Geese's Layin'

I know you know I like the eggs,
Both scrambled, poached, an' fried.
An' last December I ate so many
I very nearly died.
I like 'em runny, crispy, white,
yellow, browned, an' boiled,
But this here gift you gave to me
Has really got me spoiled.
Six geese a layin' all day long,
I just foller 'em 'round,
With my fork an' with some salt,
An' with a sausage pound.
You've won my heart, my stomach too,
Let's tie the knot together.
A gift like this means the world to me;

Let's be yolked forever.

Four Callin' Birds

Midnight, breakfast time, supper, and lunch.
I know who's callin' - it's more than a hunch.
If they were here their toes I'd crunch.
Or maybe give their beaks a punch.

It's Christmas Eve - who has the nerves?
To phone besides those calling birds?

All four the same, they know no bounds
They called my cousin and then his hounds.
They'll call from home; they'll call from town.
They'll call a king; they'll call a clown.

Next year for Christmas please refrain.
From gifts that drive a man insane.

French Hens?

I know what you're gettin' me -
I heard!

No grill or ammo -

But birds!

It's absurd.

Don't have the words.

I'd even settle

For a fake rubber turd.

French hens?

Why not American?

Or even Canadian?

An eagle or hawk

Or falcon, a peregrine.

A gas card for my truck maybe.

It takes 100 gallons

To get down the street.

Some camo sheets,

Some skeet,

Boots for my feet.

Bug spray with DEET.
Green paint for my skin.
Razor for my chin.
But why the heck
Would you buy me French hens?

Guess I could shoot 'em.

My Pet Pterodactyl

My friend John's a falconer
But I'm a pterodactyl-er

A falcon's just too small you see

But a dino-bird's just right for me

Perched on my arm he is quite heavy

So now he perches on my Chevy

He flies around and comes right back

And when he does he gets a snack

I taught him how to hunt for deer

And on occasion he'll bring a steer

But last week I had to let him go

Cause he flew back with my son Joe

A Drink with a Tecolote

Worked hard all summer sweated lots left early came home late
From dawn till dusk plus hours more and rarely ever ate
So when the fall came headed up to the bar atop the hill
'Twas Buck's Saloon where heathens met and drank from 'ol Buck's still
Dusty cowboys, minin' men, outlaws, and ill-reputers
Ain't never seen a coat or tie there cell phones nor computers
Sat down right on a vacant stool, bellied up to ol' Buck's bar
There sat a feller quiet sort lookin' down his mason jar
Told him stories of my work my toils and endless days
How I'd labored hard and earned my keep despite my wage
Held out my hands and showed him callouses, scars, and dirty nails
Showed off my boots worn to the soles felt I had been through hell
And then that cowboy raised his head and turned it fully round
He had no beard but lots of feathers and then he made a sound
With eyes of yellow and mighty large my attention was acute
He said, "Son, please quit talking cause I don't give a hoot!"

Had a Date with a Suckerfish

I had a date with a suckerfish
It went fairly well - until
I gave her a kiss when I dropped her off,
And I'm standing on her doorstep still!

Santa's First Reindeer

Twas a long time ago
When Santa first started
His sleigh not quite built
His course not yet charted

He had a lone reindeer
Whose name was Lored
With one weighty antler
On the side of his head

All else was quite normal
That first Christmas Eve
Lored and ol' Santa
Preparing to leave

Santa hopped on Lored

Sat right on his back

That chubby old man

His heavy red sack

Then up in the air

They arose with the presents

Circling for hours

Like tail-spinning pheasants

Lored's weighty antler

Kept turning them round

He could not get straight
Ol' Santa just frowned

St. Nick got quite dizzy
Had lost all his cheer
And said home now Lored
We'll wait till next year

Lored was then banished
To the town of Breelunter
Where he became the trophy
Of a one-legged hunter

POLI-TICKS

No parasites can make you sick

Like the dreaded POLI-TICKS

They'll bite your soul and suck your brain

And hypnotize your Auntie Jane

They're worse than leeches, fleas, or skeeters

Your too calm - best get the jeeters

Hide right now don't walk about

The POLI-TICKS are comin' out!