My Super Cape

I've got a super cape -
Had it for three years.
It helps me fly from here to there,
From Russia to Algiers.
Sometimes it's a force field.
Sometimes it's a whip.
Sometimes it's a comfy blanket.
For naps I always skip.
My mom she wants to wash it,
But I don't want her to.
It's got my bubble gum collection -
Took two years to chew.
There's some blood on the corner
From when I scraped my chin.
And in the middle of the back,
It's got some hair and skin.
It keeps me safe from the wind and snow,
And alien invaders.
And helps me hide my Mom's gross foods,
Like beets and stewed tomaters.
I don't need a napkin.
I've always got my cape.
It's only got a few small holes
I've fixed with some Duct Tape.
I also use it for a towel,
After I take a bath.
But that's just once or twice a year,
I'm not too good at math.
It's great as a sleeping bag,
And as a parachute.
It's great as an umbrella,
And hiding all my loot.
You're welcome to see it,
Unless you're a girl.
It's the best cape around,
The best one in the world.

Midnight Snack

It's 12:02 and I can't sleep,
I need some chips and dip.
Or maybe just a piece of chicken,
Or a few Cheese Nips.
Cold pizza might taste really good,
Or peanut butter and jelly,
But I won't sleep at all tonight,
Unless I fill my belly.
Hold on a bit; I hear a growl
From underneath my bed.
I hear some chomping and some chewing;
A mouth is getting fed.
There go my covers and my mattress,
OH NO!  It's got my back!
Plans have changed a bit tonight,

'Cause I'm the midnight snack!

Why Am I Sick?!?

I've got this cold, can't seem to shake;
My nose is really runny.
My head is hot.  My teeth are sore.
I do not think it's funny.
My eyes are gooey, lips are pale,
My toes and fingers aching.
My tummy hurts.  My throat is sore,
And I'm not even faking.
I don't know why I'm sick right now;
I haven't got a clue.
I don't know why my eyes are red,
And why my tongue is blue.
I've only had one bag of candy;
That's really not a lot.
I haven't brushed my teeth for days,
But they take years to rot.
I took a bath the other week,
But the water was too cold,
So I just put my feet in -
Maybe just my toes.
I saw the veggies that you cooked,
They did look really tasty;
So I left them all for you,
And I just had some pastries.
I played outside, yes, in the snow,
But that's not why I coughed;

My gloves and shoes got really wet,

So I just took them off.
And then I took my hat off too,
And then my coat and socks,
And put them on my snowman -
He's the best one on the block.
I may have stayed up just a bit
Longer than my folks,
But that was 'cause I couldn't sleep
From three six-packs of Cokes.
So I just watched TV a while
And had some chips and dip;
And there was sweet tea in the fridge,
So I just had a sip.
Please tell me now, what's wrong with me?
Do I just need a snack?
Wait just a sec, what's happening?!?
UH-OH!  IT'S COMING!!  YAAAAAAACK!!!

Wad of Chaw

Ain't never seen the likes of Barry Paul

That boy from Hot Springs, Arkansas

Could hold a wad inside his jaw

'Twiced the size of Tatum's maw

He don't spit just lets it fall

Right down his chin and pants an' all

Never did see 'em without his chaw

Until the preacher got him thinkin'

So he gave up chewin'. . . but started drinkin'

CUSSER NO MORE!

My brother Ralphy Russer

Was quite the little cusser
Whether home or school or bus or
With his sister, aunts, or us, or. . .

He knew every bad word known to man

Like @#% or /&%#@ or *%#@ or *%&$

He even said +*%* to Uncle Sam

And *%^$ and *%&$ to Martha Ann

But now he doesn't cuss a bit

His rump is sore can't even sit

My Paw would have no more of it

What? Paw wants to see me, "OH $#}+!"

One Big Booger

Nose was plugged one early morn
So I shoved my finger in.
Pulled a slimy substance out,
Was yellowy and thin.
Pulled and then an eyeball came,
Some teeth I counted ten.
Pulled my veins and liver too,
And muscles from my shin.
Pulled a bone looked like a clavicle,
Then some cartilage came.
Hard to pull that ol' patella,
I had to really strain.
Pancreas, femur, ulna,
Feeling kind of woozy. . .
Pulled my heart and brain out -
Bluhhh

Buggy Brewer the Fingernail Chewer

There lived a boy named Buggy Brewer,
A.K.A. "The Fingernail Chewer."
Every morning he'd holler, "YUM!"

As he chewed from pinkie to thumb.

Sometimes he'd spit, sometimes he wouldn't,

But fast for a day, why that he couldn't.

His teeth were worn, his nails all bit,

So he ate his hands and then his pits.

His heels were next and then his thigh,

He ate his neck; he ate his eyes,

His ribs, his belly, his hair, and nose,

He chewed his shoulders, enjoyed his toes.

Now Buggy Brewer is just a mouth,

And last I heard he was heading south.

Toothpaste Monster

In the eve when all is hushed
And eyelids tightly shut
A creature tips into the room
Where children's teeth are brushed

He finds the toothpaste clean and stored
Just the way Mom asked
Unscrews the top and squeezes tight
Then eerily he laughs

He rubs the paste all round the sink
And smears it on the door
Then puts some globs on moms nice towels
And drops some on the floor

Then he waits that sneaky devil
He waits inside the hamper
He waits till morn for you and me
He waits to hear feet scamper

Then his ears perk up a bit
The verdict Mom will state
She'll falsely blame both you and me
For the mess of the toothpaste

Momma Said

Momma said there's no such thing
as aliens or boogie men
No leprechauns, ghouls, or gnomes
no unicorns or big gargoyles
I'm not to believe in anything
like werewolves, satyrs, or fairy beings
There's never been fiery dragons
or hobbits like one Bilbo Baggins
No sirens, pixies, or Santa Clause
no don't believe in him at all
The Loch Ness monster is just a lie
just like that Pegasus in the sky
But Mommas gone no more to toil
for she was eaten by a troll