Trans-Parent-sies

Your Maw and Paw check up they do
They phone and text and keep up with you

But mine just follow when they please

You see I've got trans-parent-sies

Can't cuss or spit or round the bases

Can't goof, can't fight, or go to races

Don't ever know when Paw's behind

Maw stalks and sneaks and she don't mind

They're quiet like owls or mice or ants
Can't see their heads or shirts or pants
They just follow when they please

Can't see my own trans-parent-sies

Tried sneakin' out, tried mucha' pleadin'

Tried telling them space is what I'm needin'

But they don't care they like to follow

And in my business they do wallow

So no dances, parties, "Oh wretched fate!"

It's once again to bed at eight.

Bicycle Built for Who?

My dad bought me a bicycle
When I was only eight.
Came in a box with directions,
But he threw them all away.

So he put the bike together

Seventeen different times,

And now instead of riding my bike,

I'm sitting writing rhymes.

One Big Booger

Nose was plugged one early morn
So I shoved my finger in.
Pulled a slimy substance out,
Was yellowy and thin.
Pulled and then an eyeball came,
Some teeth I counted ten.
Pulled my veins and liver too,
And muscles from my shin.
Pulled a bone looked like a clavicle,
Then some cartilage came.
Hard to pull that ol' patella,
I had to really strain.
Pancreas, femur, ulna,
Feeling kind of woozy. . .
Pulled my heart and brain out -
Bluhhh

Writer's Block

I went downtown to the Writer's Block
And met some dear sweet friends,
Mr. Paper, Cousin Pencil,
And the Inky Twins.
We stood there on the corner
And talked of great ideas,
But nothing seemed to sound quite right,
Each idea would fizz.
We stood there for about a week
And nothing did we write.
So I left that place after a spell
And sit right here tonight.

Colt 44's

Saw a kid 'bout 5 foot 6,

Not much bigger than a piggly stick.

White as cotton, freckled cheeks,

Parted hair and seemed quite meek.

Pants were pressed with coat and tie,

Argyle socks and innocent eyes.

When he spoke he smiled and giggled.

When he walked he actually wiggled.

But those he meets turn right around,

They sprint, they hide, dive to the ground.

He may be fragile to the core,

But he carries huge Colt 44's!

sdrowkcaB

esrever ni meop a etorW
esrev eno tsuj s'ti gnol laer toN

The Perfect Lamp

I bought this lamp,

Best one around.
One of a kind,
It's even brown.

Searched the house

For the perfect place,

By my bed

And the bookcase.

Tried the desk

And tried the table.

Tried everywhere,

But wasn't able

To find a spot.

Fit it didn't,

So I took it back

And bought a kitten.

Glass of Whine

At the end of each day
After the bills have been paid
And 35 diapers I've changed
And the neighbors came over
And four hours they stayed
And the boss had been bossy
My spaghetti too saucy
And the dentist said
My only hope is to flossy
And the kids had been loud
And my wife had been louder
And my sister had phoned
And she sure is a shouter
And my nose had been runny
And my jokes were not funny
And if all those grey clouds were gone
Itta been sunny

Now the day is all done
And to help me feel fine
I'm gonna have myself
A tall glass of whine

The Sickies

Got the sickies
Nose pouring greenish goo
Got the sickies
Eyes a yellowish hue
Head's like hades
Palms are numb
Throat's on fire
Spewing chum
Hair is hurting
Teeth are black
Cheeks all puffy
Aching back
Ears are runny
Heart is thumping
Elbows creaking
Blood stopped pumping
Knees are wobbly
Body's whacked
Eyelids burning
Bottom's cracked
Got the sickies
Feeling deader. . .

ROLLER SKATING?!?
WOW, I'M BETTER!

The String

From my shirt there hung a string

So I gave it a small tug.

Length extended quite a bit,

I could have made a rug.

I pulled again my shirt was gone,

My pants and then my shoes.

I kept pulling till I was bare

The grass unraveling too.

I pulled until my town was gone

The cars and all the stores.

I should have stopped right then and there

But I pulled the string some more.

I pulled California off the map

Then unraveled all the states.

I tugged until the world was gone,

Now I'm floating out in space.

What to do with all this string?

I haven't got a clue.

Guess I'll knit the moon a sweater

And a scarf or two.

One Gargantuous Toe!

Mary Joe Ellinore Stowe

Had a rather gargantuous toe.

'Bout every nine minutes or so

It would tremble a little and then start to grow.

Oh,

And one more thing before I go,

Her toe was tiny compared to her fro.

The Big Game

I'm heading to the BIG GAME!
Packed the car I'm ready.

I'm heading to the BIG GAME!

Meeting up with Freddie.

I'm heading to the BIG GAME!

My cooler's iced and full.

Got ribs, cole slaw, chicken wings,

shrimp, and burgered bull.

I'm heading to the BIG GAME!

Team shoes on my feet,

Face painted, foam finger,
Wrist bands, cushioned seat.

I'm heading to the BIG GAME!
Got a football so I can kick it.
There's just one thing that I don't have,
I really need a ticket!

Buggy Brewer the Fingernail Chewer

There lived a boy named Buggy Brewer,
A.K.A. "The Fingernail Chewer."
Every morning he'd holler, "YUM!"

As he chewed from pinkie to thumb.

Sometimes he'd spit, sometimes he wouldn't,

But fast for a day, why that he couldn't.

His teeth were worn, his nails all bit,

So he ate his hands and then his pits.

His heels were next and then his thigh,

He ate his neck; he ate his eyes,

His ribs, his belly, his hair, and nose,

He chewed his shoulders, enjoyed his toes.

Now Buggy Brewer is just a mouth,

And last I heard he was heading south.

Lucky Man

Mr. Bagsy Breffersby
With the metal hand and bloated knee
And balding head and perpetual sneeze
And goitered ear and smells of cheese
And swollen cheek from the sting of a bee
With one short leg and toes of three
And speaks with a lisp and always screams
Bucked front teeth and always teased. . .

By golly, just won the lottery!

The Unscratchable Itch

While sitting in a pew at church
I had an itch it made me lurch
And bend and stretch and reach and perch
Quite like an oak, willow, or birch

My arms like hands upon a clock
Around they ticked my mom was shocked
She said be still act like a rock
Like sister Sarah or brother Brock

They sit like angels bout every week
They listen so while Pastor speaks
But if she must a switch she'll seek
To calm me down to make me meek

The itch it started right on my thigh
It moved right up right to my eye
Across my belly it made me cry
And crossed my back thought I would die

And closed my eyes and then I prayed
That this ol' itch would go away
And then in church yes I could stay
I'd sit quite still I wouldn't sway

And then it stopped right then right there
The itch was gone my life was spared
Thought all was fine that all was fair
But then a gnat buzzed by my hair