My Super Cape

I've got a super cape -
Had it for three years.
It helps me fly from here to there,
From Russia to Algiers.
Sometimes it's a force field.
Sometimes it's a whip.
Sometimes it's a comfy blanket.
For naps I always skip.
My mom she wants to wash it,
But I don't want her to.
It's got my bubble gum collection -
Took two years to chew.
There's some blood on the corner
From when I scraped my chin.
And in the middle of the back,
It's got some hair and skin.
It keeps me safe from the wind and snow,
And alien invaders.
And helps me hide my Mom's gross foods,
Like beets and stewed tomaters.
I don't need a napkin.
I've always got my cape.
It's only got a few small holes
I've fixed with some Duct Tape.
I also use it for a towel,
After I take a bath.
But that's just once or twice a year,
I'm not too good at math.
It's great as a sleeping bag,
And as a parachute.
It's great as an umbrella,
And hiding all my loot.
You're welcome to see it,
Unless you're a girl.
It's the best cape around,
The best one in the world.

Midnight Snack

It's 12:02 and I can't sleep,
I need some chips and dip.
Or maybe just a piece of chicken,
Or a few Cheese Nips.
Cold pizza might taste really good,
Or peanut butter and jelly,
But I won't sleep at all tonight,
Unless I fill my belly.
Hold on a bit; I hear a growl
From underneath my bed.
I hear some chomping and some chewing;
A mouth is getting fed.
There go my covers and my mattress,
OH NO!  It's got my back!
Plans have changed a bit tonight,

'Cause I'm the midnight snack!

Why Am I Sick?!?

I've got this cold, can't seem to shake;
My nose is really runny.
My head is hot.  My teeth are sore.
I do not think it's funny.
My eyes are gooey, lips are pale,
My toes and fingers aching.
My tummy hurts.  My throat is sore,
And I'm not even faking.
I don't know why I'm sick right now;
I haven't got a clue.
I don't know why my eyes are red,
And why my tongue is blue.
I've only had one bag of candy;
That's really not a lot.
I haven't brushed my teeth for days,
But they take years to rot.
I took a bath the other week,
But the water was too cold,
So I just put my feet in -
Maybe just my toes.
I saw the veggies that you cooked,
They did look really tasty;
So I left them all for you,
And I just had some pastries.
I played outside, yes, in the snow,
But that's not why I coughed;

My gloves and shoes got really wet,

So I just took them off.
And then I took my hat off too,
And then my coat and socks,
And put them on my snowman -
He's the best one on the block.
I may have stayed up just a bit
Longer than my folks,
But that was 'cause I couldn't sleep
From three six-packs of Cokes.
So I just watched TV a while
And had some chips and dip;
And there was sweet tea in the fridge,
So I just had a sip.
Please tell me now, what's wrong with me?
Do I just need a snack?
Wait just a sec, what's happening?!?
UH-OH!  IT'S COMING!!  YAAAAAAACK!!!

TO My Valin-Tine XOxOXoXXX

Ever since my eyes saw you
Thay've been crossed ever since.
Ever sense my lips kissed yores,
I've needed pepper-mints.
Ever cents my hand touched yores
It's been a wee bit smelly,
An' ever time I thank of you
My legs feel jest like jelly.

Yore my down home girl,
My butter bean!
My sweet pork Rine,
My dairy queen!
Yore teeth are crookid
Feet are bare,
Toenails dirty,
Stringy hare.
Skirts are red
Just like the clay,
Gal, I just want you -
TODAY!

You are my luv -
My valentyne!
I'd trade my hogs,
My mule, my swine;
Let's hop up on this truck'n dance,
Crank up tha engine - make rowmance!
I want to be yore future husband -
Not just yore favrite second cuzin!

BIGFOOT CAUGHT ON CAMERA!

Went out last week for a hike in the woods,
Spent a couple of nights in a tent.
Counted deer and elk and squirrels,
And picked up a pole cat's scent.
Crossed some creeks and jumped some logs,
Climbed a tree or two;
Skipped some rocks and whittled sticks,
And stepped right in some poo.

But then it happened - I couldn't believe it!
A creature scooted by.
Walked upright with lengthy arms,
Hair from its head to its thighs!
The beast looked like I thought he would,
'Bout six foot nine and hunched,
Heavy bodied with dreads in his fur,
I could have been his lunch!

I followed his trail, those giant tracks.
His feet were awfully big.
I caught his scent, about passed out,
He smelled just like a pig.
And then it happened, my dreams came true,
OUT JUMPED THE YETI!
I let out a sigh and turned off my camera,
It was just my Uncle Eddie.