Pachyderm Blues

Saw my shrink again;
Told her I was a giraffe.
She looked at me and snickered,

Then broke into a laugh.

Your neck's too short!
Your trunk too long!
Your ears too big!
You've got it wrong!
Your tusks are pointy;
You weigh 3 tons!
A flabby belly,
And jiggly buns!
You're an elephant!
A pachyderm!
Walk out this door
And join a herd!

And so I did,

Didn't want to though;
Don't quite fit in,
And they all know.

Vanishing Poem

Thought I'd write the best poem ever,
It will change the world we know.
All who read it will prosper greatly,
Their intellect will grow!
But you must read it to the end,
You can't skip any lines,
sdfd   gre    rh i  rs  e th 
sfsaiI   an'     s       i   
          f            o        
asdfsda
  e
afdsafa                s
The secret of life is found below,
But you must read this very slow,
Don't eat too much candy,
Or pee on a fence,
That's electric.
Or handle snakes
Or roll in ticks.
Or eat an apple from a witch.
Or eat a light switch.
That's about it.
Except for one last thing -
You must also sing.

Unusual Suspects

Dialed 9-1-1, oh yes it's true,
Someone had stole my kangaroo.
They showed up soon, those men in blue,
I told them one specific clue.
"This thief was different, he was skewed,
Can't quite remember how though blue."
They searched the night and caught eleven,
Brought them in, four bods plus seven.
I took a peek and what I saw
Made me curl up into a ball.
The first one had a giant paw,
Like a bears with five sharp claws.
The second's knees were far too big,
His legs looked like they grew two pigs.
The third man's arms dragged 'cross the floor
And went right underneath the door.
The fourth one looked just like a deer,
In fact he was, this is quite queer!
The fifth and sixth were joined together
And their hair was made of feathers.
Seven stood up straight and tall,
His head looked like a tennis ball.
Eight was standing on his hands,
His kilt was raised, his cheeks were tanned.
Nine was backwards, ten was green,
It was the strangest crew I'd seen.
Eleven was invisible,
Except for all his sparkly jewels.

I told the cops they'd done quite swell,
But none of these quite fit the bill.

I then remembered the one strange thing
That on the crook I think I'd seen.
So then I said, "It's none of these!"
"Let them go blue, if you please."
"The thief who stole my kangaroo,
He had two different colored shoes!"

Siamese Sextuplets

Finally scored a date, HOORAY!
Been a year could hardly wait,
Call it lucky, call it fate,
But a pretty dish was on my plate.

Not one or two or three or four,
Not five but six, yes I'm for sure,
Arrived when I knocked on the door,
About passed out, fell on the floor.

Siamese sextuplets that's correct!
Feel like one of God's elect!
Could hardly stand fully erect.
As they gave my cheek a peck.

Took them out to a fancy dinner,
Got my bill my wallet thinner.
Thinking thoughts just like a sinner,
Visions of an old mule skinner.

To the movies we did go,
Took up most of the back row.
Bought six popcorns and six cokes;
My bank account was getting low.

All piled back into my truck,
They sat in back I sat up front,
Let me be honest; let me be blunt-
This wasn't what I really wanted.

One wanted ice cream, one a beer,
One talked loudly, couldn't hear,
One kept looking in the mirror,
One kept asking if she could steer.

And one, the last, was very frisky,
I think she had a bit of whiskey,
She kept trying to squeeze and kiss me,
With all the eyes it seemed too risky.

All the excitement slowly passed.
Visions of grandeur did not last.
These girls were nice but way to vast.
I kissed each one then got out fast.

Awful Job

Got a job with Bouncy Houses and first day at work,
They handed me a roll of tape and a Bouncy Houses shirt.
Climbed up in the bouncy house, it was filled up with air,
And lots of kiddies jumping 'round that didn't have a care.
Holes were happnin' everywhere from toenails and cleats,
And I was scootin' here and there trying to patch the leaks.
But every time a kiddie jumped I bounced up to the top,
Couldn't patch up one darn hole - I tried to make them stop.
They didn't listen, they just hopped
And hopped and hopped and hopped;
And on the ceiling my head bopped
And bopped and bopped and bopped!
Tape was sticking to my arms and hair and mouth and nose,
Just not where it was s'possed to stick, not patchin' up no holes.
Ralphed up my brunch and lunch and dinner, nothing left inside,
Left my tape and shirt and joined the unemployment line.

Free Laptop If You Read This!

I trust the banks and car salesmen - take them at their word.
Not trust a politician?  Why that's simply absurd!
All the soldiers use chivalry; their commanders are meek.
The credit card companies, my happiness they seek.
Wall Street is looking out for my good, the lottery I'll win,
Sharks won't really eat me; they just want a patted fin.
If I click on this link, I can earn a million a month,
If I take these pills, my hair will grow a ton!
I can speak Spanish next week and Latin in two;
Those jeans will win me all the girls, I do know that is true.
My muscles can grow without lifting a weight;
Sign my name on this line, free credit and dates.
I'll be just like God when I eat from this tree;

I know that is right cause this snake just told me.

A World Without S

Hard to imagine a world without S
But I reckon I will try.
A nake would lither on the ground
And blue would be the ky.
We'd eat andwiche and a nack after noon;
We'd leep all night and tare up at the moon.
A bee would ting, a gun would hoot,
To wedding and church we'd all wear uit.
We'd all ing ong at Chritma time,
And low down at all top ign.
We'd urf the web and anwer the phone,
And read an article in the Rolling Tone.
We'd drink an oda and a pipe we'd moke,
And in the bathtub we all would oak.
We'd wim in the pond, and cook tew on the tove;

An ailor would ail, a crow would till crow.

That all I can take - my poem mut be done!

I hope eth come back before the next one!

What A Guy

There once lived a guy way up in the hills,
Wore sweaters and tight fitting jeans;
And sat in the hot tub most nights of the year,
Of his neighbors that lived down the street.

He loved Christmas time and all holidays,
Watched movies till 2 in the morn,
And smoked a good pipe and drank a cheap beer,
Ate goodies like flavored popcorn.

His voice was like a rickety truck,
His laugh like the trucks first crank.
His hair was thin, his mustache not,
His body was not very lank.

His kids loved him so, and so did his wife,
His dog and his kitty cat too;
He'd come to my house, we'd build a good fire,
And sit and enjoy a good brew.

We'd talk for hours about jobs and places,
Our homes away back east.
About love on earth and after death,
And wives of whom we're pleased.

He was here last week and then he left
For greater things out there,
What lies beyond this death covered earth
He may even now have hair.

Is he climbing a mountain or humming a song?
Or soaking in a hot tub?
Or wearing a sweater or talking with Jesus?
Or in a celestial pub?
Or walking by rivers or climbing a tree?
Or working a job just for Him?
Or sitting and thinking of wonderful things?
Or running or taking a swim?

I do wish I knew and one day I will,
For now I just hope and I wait.
Of love I can't fathom, adventures beyond,
The lack of all guilt, worry, hate.

So here's to the guy who we knew as Guy,
Death came just like we knew.
We won't escape either, there's no one who has;
I'm scared but I do know the truth.

That Jesus did die then rose up again,
His body was made brand new;
And one day the heavens, the earth, and our bodies,
Will be made brand new again too.

Without the sickness, or sorrows, or death,
We'll work and we'll live and we'll love;
And need for nothing and want for less,
We'll see you again soon enough.